Enjoying God's Creations

The man before the miracle

2010-08-01T17:21:00.003-04:00

Bet'cha can't go six months of consistent church going and sermon-listening before you'll hear some adaptation and some way of working in the feeding of of the five thousand into a message, if it's not the central theme of the message. It's one of the more popular "go to's". But I got to wondering this morning how often the part just before that admittedly incredible and multi-layered miracle is talked about and thought about. In Matthew, the story of the feeding of five thousand starts in chapter 14 verse 15.

But in that very same chapter, in verse six, Matthew writes about the beheading of John the Baptist. Jesus thought a lot of John. So much so that Jesus not only allows, but insists that John be the one to baptize him. What I'm saying is that John meant an awful lot to Jesus. So as Matthew tells it, the daughter of Herodias gets anything she wants for her birthday. To her credit, she does not ask for a pony or Miley Cyrus tickets, instead she asks for John's head on a platter. Malibu Barbie it ain't. But since Herodias' daughter gets what she wants, John the Baptist is beheaded. Then Jesus is told and he is understandably upset. So much so that he "withdrew by boat to a solitary place" (verse 13). But by this point in Jesus' life he had enough of a paparazzi like crowd that going to a "solitary place" usually didn't last very long. Matthew says the crowds followed him - the poor guy just lost one of his best friends, he's crushed and wants to be alone, and he can't even get a few minutes to mourn. That crowd that chased him down ended up being the five thousand that he fed in the more talked about miracle. But the point is that Jesus wanted...needed alone time. Of course, being Jesus he set aside his need for solitude and helped to feed five thousand people. But he knew he needed to experience the pain instead of shrugging it off with the fact that he had a bigger mission in mind. He's about to save salvation but he's human enough to take time to hurt.

The same thing happens in John's gospel with the resurrection of Lazarus. When word gets to Jesus that Lazarus is sick and it's not looking good, he is told "Lord, the one you love is sick" (John 11:3). Something else bad is about to happen to someone Jesus is awfully fond of. Jesus knows the entire time - from the moment he hears that Lazarus is sick to moment the subsequent miracle is complete - what is going to happen. If I knew the ending of a movie, I'm probably not going to get overly emotional in the middle of it. Not Jesus, he knows how this movie ends, but he gets very emotional. Verse 33 tells us that when Jesus sees Lazarus' sisters Mary and Martha in mourning and hurting that Jesus became "deeply moved in spirit and was troubled." He knows what's about to happen - why he's come there - but he empathizes with Mary and Martha and the surrounding Jews. He doesn't look at them condescendingly and tell them "Hey, I'm Jesus ain't I? What're you crying about you know I got this!" It's not like it was unlike Jesus to take that kind of tone with people, he often showed frustration with the disciples when they're wide angle lense wasn't quite working. But despite that, he is moved with these people. Two verses later, he's moved to the point that he "wept" (verse 35). In verse 38, he became "once more deeply moved". He then raises Lazarus from the dead and the glory of God is witnessed. It was the intention the entire time. But Jesus did not lose his humanity in the process of being a member of the Trinity knowing he was in the middle of a miracle.

Two miracles, maybe the two cornerstone miracles in Jesus' ministry, yet they were flanked by his vulnerable humanity. I took comfort in that this morning when I saw one of my best friend's little girl. She had her hair in pig tails and was quite frankly adorable. After I let the cuteness process fully, the very next thought in my head was the day that my friend Abbie asked her mother to fix her hair for her before school. Abbie was around seven years old and for all I know, she had asked her mother to put it in pigtails too. Abbie grew up in Vermont and there was ice on the road that morning. The hairdo made her mom late for work, she drove over a patch of ice, hit a truck and was killed. For the rest of Abbie's life, according to Abbie, that hair request killed her mother. So when all of that started coming back I had to excuse myself from the sanctuary right about the time the message was about to start. As far as I know, Will didn't preach on either the feeding of the five thousand or the resurrection of Lazarus. But I just had to get out of there for a minute.

Part of me was wondering, "I thought you were over this? You're still affected? You're in Seminary and you don't know by now?" But that's not at all what it was about. Jesus knew and he still needed to get away for a moment...fleeting as it was. Jesus knew and he still wept and was moved with Lazarus' friends and family. So I eventually decided that simply because I miss my friend and wish she hadn't gone through what she went through doesn't mean that I've forgotten about my salvation or have lost faith. Christians are just as entitled to mourn as anyone else. I didn't wallow in this feeling for days and days. I stepped outside, got some air, looked up these two miracles and went on about my day. But just because you're a Christian and you understand and have faith doesn't mean that you shouldn't experience pain. I'm not talking about not having troubles. I'm talking about the people who think that it's a sin to not have a perma-smile regardless of the situation simply because you believe. The difference is you don't want to stay in that "valley" for long, but you are entitled to experience - not deny - your emotions. Jesus clearly did, it's what made him human.

"Come on up for the risin'..."

2010-01-05T16:51:00.006-05:00

Someone mentioned to me the other day, "it seems like a long time since y'all have put anything up on your blog." Ok, that's not true. We took a trip and I thought that it's been a long time since we put anything up. And I'm reading this book about story and thought it would make for a better story if someone else suggested I write about our trip. The rest of this will be true and real...promise.

If you're reading this you probably know that Lindsay's crazy go nuts for musicals. Watching them, singing songs from them, being in them, whatever. So in trying to come up with something original and unique for Christmas, a trip to New York and a Broadway show came to mind. Clearly (to me) this was God encouraging me to pursue my wife's heart because volunteering to go to New York City is something I would have never....ever...ever done otherwise. I told Lindsay about a year ago that I would lay down my life for her. Shortly after that, I heard a voice say, "Then why don't you?" So this is was me trying to actually do that.

It was a hit. When she figured out (Christmas morning) where were going, she teared up a little bit. Before we even packed our bags, it was already worth it. We get up there and it takes (literally) 2 1/2 hours to get from the Newark airport to our hotel. Not a great start. The weather started out chilly and turned to brutally, unforgiving-ly cold (wind chill of 2 degrees on Tuesday). We threw our bags in the room and walked a couple of blocks down to Times Square. Good....Lord. I'll be honest, everything I was afraid I wasn't going to like about New York City, was right here. And to be fair, it wasn't the natives. It was the tourists (darn them). Here's my impression of Times Square: one big freakin', continuous billboard. Good thing we did some other stuff while we were there.

The next day we went up to Central Park. To give you some perspective, Central Park is probably bigger than my hometown. Let alone the rest of the city. Anyway, it's huge. We only covered half of it. You really do almost forget (just for a moment) what surrounds you on each side of the park. Then you pick a direction, look up, and see skyscraper after skyscraper and it all comes back to you. After finding as many movie landmarks as we could think of ("When Harry Met Sally"), we headed back to the south end of the city. Next on our sightseeing list was something I was never sure how to feel about seeing.

That is the skeleton of what will be the biggest statement a building has ever made. I wasn't sure what to do. The entire time we had been in the city, before we even crossed the bridge into the state, I kept seeing it happen. "I wonder what it looked like from here?" "I wonder what it was like to stand here and watch it?" "What if you were driving this way and saw it, what would've gone through your mind?" One of my only regrets about going to New York City is that I didn't go (chose not to go) before. I saw it on tv. I still see it in my mind, but I wished I had seen it before, so I could truly understand what's missing. Tollie understands what's missing. He was a volunteer in the memorial museum right across the street from where they stood. By the way, being down there and seeing just how cramped together everything is, how it didn't take out everything in sight, is one of the ways that I know God really was there, even though it's easy to miss Him through it. Anyway, Tollie wasn't there that day. His brother was. Tollie was a fireman and part of the clean-up/recovery effort. He came Friday the 14th. Lindsay told him about her dad and how he was a volunteer fireman back home, and his 60th birthday was coming up. I asked if volunteering in the memorial...museum for lack of a better word...helped. He said it depends on the day. He told us about the one time he was leading a tour. He stopped to point out something on the tour and when he turned, he saw it. He saw the mountain of...think of the worst thing imaginable....that's what it was a mountain of. And the people on the tour stood there and waited, while he went through this flashback. A moment or two later, he resumed. He understands too damn well. Earlier when I mentioned wondering what it looked like from different angles, I can't help but think of one guy who made it out. Who looked up from his work and saw this plane bearing down on him. Part of the wing sliced through his office. I bet there are days he wonders if surviving, trying to sleep with that vision really was a blessing. You move through this museum where there's a time line of that day and the bombing in '93. Then there's a room where they've displayed some of the things recovered. A spoon from one of the restaurants inside, a flier for something, and elevator button, a window to one of the planes. Yeah. There's a window frame to one of the planes on display. Imagine looking out that window, and realizing, it's over. Then in that same room is a fire suit. It is torn down the right shoulder. From the shoulder all the way down to the bottom. That's how the body was found. If you think reading this is graphic, if you think seeing it in a museum is graphic, try being Tollie. Try being in his mind during one of his flashbacks. That's graphic. But it's important. I'm not one of those who thinks you should watch it everyday to remind yourself of the lesson we supposedly learned (and have seemingly totally forgotten-the one about loving each other more). It's important because there are stories to be told. Stories cut short. Stories of amazing survival and miraculous second chances. Stories of unimaginable pain. New York is not a city that is defined by what happened on that day. The day after or the day after. New York is defined by the fact that 10 years later, they're well underway with rebuilding. More than just a building. I shook Tollie's hand as he walked out the door, he remembered to wish my father-in-law a happy upcoming 60th birthday. I thought as he left the room and that particular scene in our lives, "of all the things for him to remember, he remembered that Larry's turning 60 this year. That must've been a nice little escape for him. I hope the rest of his memories become that easy to live with."

When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul.

2009-09-29T16:06:00.002-04:00

I've been trying to come up with a word to describe her. Joy is the one I keep coming back to. The title of this particular blog is from Psalm 94:19. We were talking earlier today, reflecting back on where we both were when we first met more than three years ago now. Anxiety was running rampant in me. Then comes this 5 foot 2 inch blonde light of joy. I told her at the time we met it was like this triune of perfect events coming together at the perfect time. I finally got out of God's way and let Him go to work on my shattered heart. I met Lindsay, and three days later I leave for Colorado. I talk about that trip, that area a lot. But it really has nothing to do with football, not even the scenery. Sure it's amazing (the scenery, although the football's getting better), but that isn't what draws me there. It's where I feel most whole. But none of those things; God, Lindsay, or the Rockies would've changed me the way they did without the other. I wouldn't have met Lindsay without God's grace. I would've had a much harder time believing Him if I hadn't met her. Colorado would've just been scenic if I hadn't been shown His hand on it. It would've been the only beauty I really believed in if I hadn't met Lindsay.

I guess the reason the word "joy" keeps coming to mind is it's the one word that best describes her to me. She gets such joy from others' joy. You should see her when she finds a present for someone that she thinks is just right. She can't wait to give it to them. We had dinner not long ago with friends of ours who had some really awesome news to share. Lindsay couldn't wait to...celebrate...with them (I have to be vague because we were asked to keep it quiet for now). But it's not just presents and gifts. She has a true interest in me. She loves seeing me excited. Heaven knows how burnt out she must be already with football, but she knows I enjoy it, and she not only puts up with it being on the tv, she's interested and involved. She finds her joy in mine.

She's got her own joy too. She's worked so hard at so many things lately. From a weight loss competition to getting a new job to parts in musicals, she's really been overwhelmed with blessings the last few weeks. And it's so awesome to watch her, in her joy.

I've never seen anything like her. And I've seen a lot of cool stuff. My joy is having her be the first thing I see each morning, and the last thing I see each day. My joy is at the end of the day when she walks in and Sheba jumps up from her 43rd nap of the day to greet her. Most days I'll suddenly have joy fall right into my lap as I sit my chair. Just for a hug. That's my joy. She has seen me at low points. A lot of them. Each time, she makes me feel like going through that and asking for her to help me was the right thing to do. She's not afraid to walk into the fire with me.

When it's our turn, I know her biggest joy will come from a bottle, a blankie, and a bedtime lullaby. I don't know if there's anyone who will love their child with more joy than she will. I don't know that there's ever been a wife that has ever loved a husband with more joy than she already has.

People are drawn to her. In ways that I can completely understand, and wish in so many ways I could duplicate. She is a light. Things are better when she's around. Pain is softened and shortened when she's near. Joy is emphasized and eternal when she's near. I could've survived the last three years without knowing her. Sure. But I don't think that I would have enjoyed them like I have. There's that word again.

We know drama

2009-08-19T12:21:00.003-04:00

I took Sheba out for her morning business today. As we were walking to the dumpster a black pit bull came virtually out of nowhere. He walked up slowly and then attacked Sheba. I tried to scare the pit bull off, tried to physically push it off and for a moment, he backed away. By this time Lindsay heard the commotion and I told her to take Sheba inside but the pit bull was attacking again. Sheba broke out of her collar and took off, with the pit bull chasing her. I took after both of them. They both ran off into the woods and I couldn't keep up with them. I can honestly tell you I've never been so scared. There was nothing I could do. I called 911, and I'll be honest, I handeled it horribly. I was screaming at them and panicking. Lindsay had gotten in the car to see if she could drive around and find Sheba in the neighborhood. I called them 911 3 times before I could get something out of them. To spare you some reading and me some typing, they finally sent someone. He coralled the pit bull seemingly pretty easily. Right around that same time Lindsay came back. She said that some people running in the neighborhood had seen a police officer pick Sheba up on Piedmont Parkway, about a mile or so away from us. The officer called Lindsay and brought Sheba back. (I'm tearing up as I write this part) Sheba was fine. We took her to the vet immediately and she has no bite marks, no real wounds at all. She has a little scrape with some blood on one of her toenails of one of her paws, but it's not serious at all. The vet said she has no wounds what so ever. The animal control guy took the pitbull away and said (I think) he'd be in touch with one of us. She's (Sheba) home now.

I've never been so scared and helpless. We don't have kids obviously but this is our baby. And I couldn't stop her from being hurt. The whole time she was missing I thought the worst. I lost my temper with people on the phone, I was just a wreck. Sheba's home and fine. She does have that one little scrape but the vet said she'll be ok and she was hoping around like her normal happy, hyper self at the vets office and when we took her back home. Thing is, in that moment, that moment that was probably 5 minutes but seemed like an hour, I lost my faith. I did not believe that God was there. I did not believe He would take care of her. I didn't even think to pray. I was just scared and mad. Mad at myself, mad at whoever let this dog loose. I immediately went in the back and just praised Him for Sheba's safe return and apologized and repented to Him. I lost my sight in that moment. I'm hoping that He uses this to strengthen me in the midst of the next crisis. And I know it seems kind of silly, but in my heart, this was a crisis. I did not handle this well at all. But my prayer is that when something totally out of my control, sudden and unstobble happens again, that I have the presence of mind to turn to Him. Something I did not do this morning.

Fun with my toy

2009-07-20T22:00:00.003-04:00

We bought a laptop recently. And it has all kinds of toys on it. This is one of them. It's my first try...it's got all my favorite things in it. A Dave Matthews Band song, Colorado, a spoiled rotten dog, the ocean, and this cute lil' blonde. Oh yeah, and that frog.

That Garth Brooks is full of it

2009-05-09T23:07:00.004-04:00

"Some of God's greatest gifts, are unanswered prayers" says the song. It's a hugely famous song. They're thinking about making a movie out of it. It's going to be on Lifetime so the acting will be horrendous, but still. "You ever think that it's not that the prayer went unanswered, but God just said, 'no'?". My boy Kory said that once. I wish I could take credit for that wisdom. As if God is just going to ignore a prayer. The thought in the song is, "Well, He didn't give me what I want, so He just didn't answer my prayer. Maybe He will when He gets around to it." "God must be busy" says another song. Crap. More crap. I know I'm probably taking country songs too seriously, but it's a dangerous message too many people just seem to go along with.
I've gotten quite used to Him telling me, "No." "No, Marc. I know Paul has six children and you love him deeply. And I know it's going to hurt you as profoundly as anything ever has, but I won't let him survive this accident."
"No, Marc. I know you really like this girl and you don't think it could possibly get any better for you. But trust Me, I've already created your wife. I already know who she is, where you'll go on your first date, and how long it'll take you to meet. Trust me, you're going to love her more than you think you love this girl you're crying over."
"No, Marc. I can't give you this opportunity right now. You're not ready. You think you are, a lot of your friends are telling you'd be really good at it. And you would be. You will be. But you're not ready to take on that burden. Trust me. I do it a lot. But keep trying."
Those are just some of the times He's not only answered a prayer - sure, not the answer I wanted but answered none the less - but came up with a solution. Paul didn't make it out of that motorcycle accident seven years ago this coming Saturday. But I tell you this, God was glorified for at least three days non stop on one of the highest rated radio stations and television stations in this area. It will be hard to convince me there was a better witness than Paul Franklin Fuller, Jr. And when his story on this earth ended, God was praised, God was glorified, God was proclaimed, God was prayed to. On the public airwaves, in places that don't do that. How many people had their curiosity piqued, "what's with this God, this Jesus these guys keep talking about?" Someone got to know Jesus because Paul went to meet Him. Reconciled.
I would be in relationships, they'd fall apart because A)He had Lindsay in mind for me and B)I was a dumpster fire determined to make a relationship work no matter what He had to say. "If I could just get her to like me again, then I'll have everything straight". I had no idea how wrong I was. I didn't factor Him in at all. The first time I do, and look what He gives me. Someone I never imagined big enough to ask for. Reconciled.
In "The Message", Hebrews 11 reads, "It's impossible to please God apart from faith. And why? Because anyone who wants to approach God must believe both that he exists and that he cares enough to respond to those who seek him." You want me to believe that he doesn't take the time to answer a prayer? That's He can't get to it right now because kids are starving in Africa? Like God's not big enough to handle all his voicemails? I'd like to say that I've gotten to the point where I like it when God tells me "no". Because I realize it means He's working in me. He's going to reconcile something in me and the end result is going to glorify him way more than anything I had planned would.
Lindsay and I had been considering something, and it was risky to a degree. Not bungee jumping with suspenders risky but risky still. Once again, my boy Kory says to me, "You think God can't correct your mistake? You think it's either smooth sailing or a disaster and He gives up on you?" (Kory's good. A lot better than Garth) Currently reconciling.
God is totally capable of taking any mistake, any "unexpected" (by us) bump in the road, and come up with the happiest of endings. And He loves me enough to let me take chances, and no matter how reasonable, or seemingly unexplainable they may be, the outcome is not going to be enough to where He shrugs His shoulders, turns around and just walks away sighing deeply. I'm getting kind of used to hearing, "no". And it stings each and every time. The difference is now I understand that He's saying "no" because He's working. Not because He's booked.

What it was like in Chapel Hill

2009-04-07T11:43:00.011-04:00

Just like in 2005, I was in the Dean Dome to watch UNC go for a National Championship. Lindsay joined me this year. They open up the arena to the public (for free) and it's first come first serve seating. They set up a big projection screen at halfcourt, and for the title game, they turned on the video screens at the top of the arena. Like I said, we did this in 2005 when they won it all, I think I see a pattern. Anyway, below are photos and videos from championship night. And by the way, can I just say how incredible my wife is? Just four years ago - as she'll tell you herself - she didn't care about basketball, much less get caught up in this mess for the Final Four. And now, she's really brought herself into something that I enjoy, just because she loves me. Man, did God design the perfect wife for me. Anyway, back to the basketball:

Me and Mike D....just before tip off

We're going to need a new one

That's a championship smile

Rushing the floor as the game ended....

....time to move the party to Franklin St

Here are some videos:

Just before tipoff

As the game came to an end

the Franklin Street celebration

I'm glad I'm not in control

2009-03-11T16:23:00.002-04:00

Since football season's over (and getting uglier in the Rockies), and the tournament hasn't started yet, Lindsay has taken over the remote. No no, it's fine, you have to pick your battles and that one ain't worth fighting. Anyway, we're watching "The Biggest Loser" last night. There are two teams and they go through these series of challenges. The team that wins a particular challenge gets some sort of reward. This episode's reward was "24 hours of luxury". Spa, hot tub, massage, decadent food, all inclusive drinks, everything you could want and more. This was, I think, the 7th or so week of the show. And these men and women, and one boy, have been just knocking themselves out. The physical and emotional work they're doing to lose this weight is nothing short of inspiring. And that's not even a struggle of mine and it inspires me. Anyway, the team that won this challenge, that won the 24 hours of luxury, had won the last several challenges. They were losing the more weight more consistently than the other team. They were getting a little cocky. Nevermind, they were very cocky. Seven days a week, several hours each day, they dedicated their minds, bodies and hearts to the focus of whatever it takes to lose this weight. For someone to get to the point they go on this show, that's a life change. It's not just a diet. So this team was winning these challenges partly because they were working harder than the other team, more dedicated. And then they win this "getaway". You can see what's coming. They get to this resort and it's on. They gorge on buffet style food, just get trashed on alcohol, liquor, chicken fingers and fries for desert, and lay around getting pampered all day. It was the same gluttony that landed them on this show. They get rewarded with their hard work with one day of freedom, and what do they do with it? Practically erase everything that earned them the day of freedom in the first place.
Your first reaction is probably something like, "How could they? After all that effort, they just throw it away? They'd been given a gift, and just forget everything it took to get them there." Any idea where I'm going next?
I got saved November of 1999. After all the work, all the dedication -- the love -- Christ displayed to grant me freedom, you would think in the 9 1/2 years since, I would've taken the gift of eternal life -- of freedom -- and treated it preciously and carefully. Sometimes sure. But I can't tell you how many times I've been given a sliver of freedom, and washed it away with gluttony. Maybe not with food blowing a diet regiment, but metaphorically absolutely. I've done the exact same thing time and time again in my spiritual life that these contestants did last night. No better, no worse. I have given into myself, my flesh, because to paraphrase the people on the show last night, "Oh well, it's just this once. I've been so good lately, what could it hurt? I deserve this little bit!"
The contestants come back to the "ranch" and their trainer is devestated. She feels betrayed. "Why should I care so much if this is how you're going to treat it. Why do I care if you guys don't care? I give up." And that's where the parallels between "The Biggest Loser" and my walk with God stop. I'm sure He's felt devestated, betrayed. But not once, not one single time have I been met with a "Why do I care if you don't? I give up."
Paul Young, author of "The Shack" spoke at my church once. While he was speaking he read a letter he got one time. The writer of the letter talked about a struggle with addiction. And how each time he failed he expected God to get fed up with him and turn away. Instead, according the guy in the letter, he would hear, "Only 50 more times. Only 50 more times before you go flying face first into the mirror, before you cut this crap out."
I've been given 24 hours of luxury before. I've been given a much more grand doses of freedom. I've botched it several times just like those people on "Biggest Loser" did last night. But somehow God knows just how much freedom to give me. Just the right amount where I can step off the ledge, without falling fifty feet to the rocky river below. I'm thankful that He knows me that well. I'm thankful that He lets me peer over the side but never lets me fall. If it were up to me, I would've been part of the landscape a long time ago. I'm exhausting the metaphor but the point is, as long as He controls my heart, my mind, my words, my actions, my thoughts, then it's freedom I'll enjoy. As soon as I take over, it's a long hard fall.

Yes sir....

2009-02-12T12:51:00.001-05:00

We want to be the team everyone is talking about in March and April, not February. -- Ty Lawson

Feeling welcome

2009-01-26T12:42:00.002-05:00

I was reading from the Message this morning, John 15:9-10 Jesus says, "I've loved you the way my Father has loved me. Make yourselves at home in my love. If you keep my commands, you'll remain intimately at home in my love. That's what I've done—kept my Father's commands and made myself at home in his love." So the part I underlined, "Make yourselves at home in my love". That part jumped out at me. Obviously there's the image of coming in to Jesus' home, kickin' off your shoes, putting on a nice smoking jacket and fuzzy slippers (maybe that's just me) unwinding and just letting down the guard. Much like the image that comes to mind when someone says, dinner time Thursday nights. Just relaxing and allowing us to stop "performing". Comfort, peace, just be yourselves and enjoy. But there was another part that came to mind on the same wavelength. Am I running my home in a way that Jesus would feel like He could make himself at home in? Would Jesus be able to relax, be comfortable, peaceful, enjoy my home? Am I speaking to my wife behind close doors, so to speak, in a way that Jesus would feel comfortable sitting on the couch watching old Broncos highlights in the same room with us? Would He feel like He could walk around my home, and me not worry, "what if he looks in that cabinet, what will He think of what He finds? If he looks at the pictures and artwork on my walls, would he sheild his eyes or appreciate them? If He looked in my DVD drawer, would He ask if He could borrow some of them, or shake His head and sigh deeply to Himself? When we have more friends come over to join us, would He think I/we treated them well? Would He think we make them feel welcomed, that they're our guests and they too feel comfortable and loved? Do we offer them food, drink? Comfort when it's needed? Support and encouragement? Laughter? Am I paying attention to my dog? Am I treating the animal in our home (since we don't have kids yet) the an animal should be treated?" Jesus invites me to make myself at home with Him. Do I feel like I can extend the same invitation to Him by the way I live? Would Jesus feel comfortable in me? Does He? Or is He more like the friend you have come over and once they see what your home is like, they keep looking at their watch, hoping their cell phone will ring with a, "something's come up, we need you back home" call? I hope my home is the one where He's in His smoking jacket, fuzzy slippers, laid back and doesn't even notice how much time has gone by.

Fun with photos

2009-01-22T16:31:00.013-05:00

Must've been cold in the condo that day

My kinda Sunday

"You going to drop whatever it is you're grilling?!"

Just what I wanted!!

Lindsay's first NFL game, my Broncos getting whopped by the Panthers

Lindsay's first major college basketball game, UNC at Wake Forest

Biltmore flowers

On top of the Biltmore. I didn't want to take this picture...to close to the edge for me

On our way into the Biltmore house

The bed and breakfast we stayed in for our first anniversary trip

Snow on the Blue Ridge Parkway

One down, many many more to go

2009-01-17T19:52:00.003-05:00

Monday is our one year anniversary. I had someone ask me recently if there was anything about our wedding that I would do differently. Yeah, there actually was. First of all, I was sick. I had some kind of head cold and could barely breathe. So that would be one thing. Second, I didn't know that as people were coming into the church, I had to be tucked away in a room. I wanted to greet people as they came in. I'm sure that's the way it's done, but I wish I could've hugged people as they came in and didn't have to wait until the reception. But there's one other thing I would've done differently.
That morning when I got up and was praying for the day, I thought if I got an opportunity to speak at the reception, I wanted to thank some people. I had the opportunity during the toasts, but I didn't take advantage of it, and I regret that. To this day I regret it. I was going to thank everyone for coming. The weather wasn't bad, but risky enough to where we would've understood if they didn't come. So I wanted to thank them for braving the weather and joining us. I wanted to thank Steve for officiating our ceremony. He HAD to be a part of it. I wanted to tell him I couldn't wait to see the video, because once Lindsay walked in the room, I didn't hear anything else. I didn't hear the congregation making noise, I didn't hear what Steve said to us, I didn't hear him sing. I was just captured. But I wanted to thank him for officiating it. I wanted to thank everyone who worked hard for our day. Jimmy, Joyce, Judy Webster who decorated the church. They volunteered their time and it was beautiful. I wanted to thank our parents, mainly hers for giving me their approval. I wanted to thank God for attending. But as I was going through all this in my head, if felt like I was forgetting someone. Then it dawned on me....

Thank you, Lindsay. Thank you for loving me. Anyone else who hears this, you want to know how to love your spouse better? Save your money on books, don't watch Oprah, just watch Lindsay love me. She loves me selflessly. She loves me constantly. She loves me endlessly. She loves me regardless of me. We talked about living in Colorado. She practically had her bags packed. Not because it was something she always dreamed of, but because she saw how much the thought excited me. She just wanted to be where I was. That's how she loves me. She wants to be a part of me. She wants to see what makes me come alive, and she wants to be a part of the journey. She supports me. She believes in me. "I know that I can't do anything wrong" says an Alan Jackson song. Yeah, I know what he means. She loves me to where I feel strong. Even when I have no other reason to feel that way. She makes me feel like I am the thing that excites her most. She makes me feel like I'm the best part of her day. I had a friend tell me that one day while she was singing in church, that you could "see the love in her eyes as she stared at you for a short time." I had no idea, but it doesn't surprise me. She cares for me, she allows me to hurt, she encourages me to get the strength back. She never tries to fix me, but always lets me know it will be ok. She makes me feel that I can do anything, that I can do everything. She makes me laugh, she laughs at and with me. She constantly gives up herself, for me. When I do catch her looking at me, that smile beats any lake or mountain I ever seen. She could've loved anyone she wanted to, and she would've loved them just as well. But she loves me. It's not because anything I've done, anything I deserve. But she loves me still. She makes it easy to love her. She makes me eager to come home. She makes me look forward to Saturday mornings sleeping in. We don't have to go hiking, just as long as it's us. She loves me a lot like Jesus. She brings me closer to Him. As much as I appreciate people coming the wedding, people working the wedding, working to prepare the wedding, I appreciate her more. But more than that, I appreciate her loving me. Thank you, Lindsay. You have taught me how to love well. Hopefully I have learned from your lead.

Our first 50 weeks

2009-01-05T15:33:00.011-05:00

As I write this, Lindsay and I have been husband (or "hubby bubby" as some like to say) and wife for 50 weeks. I didn't spend much time on the math, 52 weeks in a year, and two weeks short of our one year anniversary, there you go. Anyway, we have a lot to be proud of as we look back, and even more to be excited about as we look forward. (Sorry mom and mom-in-law that doesn't mean babies any time soon. They're in the plan, just not yet) Most of the people reading this were probably at our wedding, so I'm sure you remember the snow. Lindsay's birthday was the day before. I call her to tell her happy birthday and she's in a panic because of the forecast. "No one's going to come!!!" she managed through sobs on the phone. Turned out just fine didn't it?

So then we take off for a week in Jamaica. As we walk around the resort in our flip flops and bathing suits, we looked in one of the bars and they're showing the NFL playoffs. It's -3 at one, and 4 above at the other. That on top of the fact that when we woke up that morning, I had to chip the ice off my winsheild to drive, all inclusive sunshine is a wonderful thing. Not to rub it in. We climbed waterfalls, rode horses (Scrappy rules!!), some of us got sick on boats (I won't say which one of us did that), wresteled with sand fleas, had a butler bring us drinks in our personal, oceanside cabana as I listened to Dave Matthews for a while, the waves crashing for a while, Jack Johnson for a while, more waves crashing for a while....etc, etc. We learned how truly lucky we are. Not because we're disproportionatley blessed and have one of everything we need and a lot of what we want, but because we don't have to worry about are we going to have any food to last us through the week. Not everyone down there can say that. Despite my protest and better judgement, we came back. By the way, customs sucks!!

So we get back to the land of the pale people and begin our life as a married couple. I'm still waiting on our butler and cabana. I've been waiting for 48 weeks. More good times than bad. Lindsay's cousin Shannon got married the May (maybe it was June) before we did. We're at the wedding and I remember something being said during the toasts that has been stuck in my head every single day since. "May today be as bad as it ever gets". I liked that. I liked that a lot. For the record, we've had days that were worse than January 19th. We've had fights. We've had, "I have to get out of here and drive around the block to cool down" fights. But we can count them on one hand. And they were all over and behind us by the time the sun set on those days. We're fantastic at realizing whatever we're fighting over isn't important enough to go to bed angry. It really may be the thing we're best at. Wanting to love each other more than we want to be right. There was our first Valentine's Day that I totally blew because I was sick. I was so sick I missed out on the dinner at church we planned to go to, at one point going to get a bowl of ice cream. Not to eat, just to sit on my forehead to cool off. I've tried to make up for it since. But it's been good. It's been great. The three of us, Sheba rounding out the triangle. I learned some things over the summer. I'm incredibly selfish. I grew up an only child and took full advantage of it. I had lived by myself literally and practically for eight years. Having to consider what someone else wants to do, someone else's heart, was an adjustment for me. One I'm still working on. Luckily my wife has the patience I lack. I learned what I already thought I knew, that it's an every day thing. Making sure she knows every single day that she's more precious to me than Broncos football, mountains, lakes that look like mirrors, and cabanas. She knows that. I think she really does. But I still have to remind her.

We spent a weekend at Oak Island, as the Webster again were nice enough to let us use their beach house. Lindsay still doesn't loose at putt-putt very well. Though she makes up for it while singing karyoke at an ice cream shop. The sand fleas aren't as vicious domestically, the Papa Bear still hits a special spot, and if you're looking for seagulls, walk on the sand with bread.

Then came our second honeymoon. My favorite place on the planet. Colorado. Denver, Rocky Mountain National Park, Red Rocks, Georgetown, Boulder, Grande Lake, Winter Park, Frasor, Crooked Creek, Estes Park. We had a cabin where all I had to do was roll over in bed to watch the sunrise over the mountains out the window over looking the valley. With all due respect to the beach, the ocean, I'm convinced more than ever that if God has a vacation home, it's in Grand County, Colorado. Watching female elk nurse its young no more than five feet away, learning I really can't walk on water, getting so caught up in the beauty that we leave my dad's video camera at Emerald Lake, realizing that no amount of leg curls at the gym can match the workout that is hiking at two miles above sea level, hearing a bugling elk in the beginning of the "rut" (mating season), feeding squirrels, dipping heads and toes in to Rocky Mountain rivers, claiming previously un-named waterfalls, choosing potential retirement sites, taking a carriage ride through downtown Denver, seeing snow four days after Labor Day, and again against my better judgement, finally coming home.

We setteled in for the last part of the year at home. Lindsay joined my passion for football. Just in an effort to show me how much she loves me. I realize I haven't joined her world as much as she has mine. Hopefully I will do better in our next 50 weeks. She really is amazing. I really am blessed. I also learned what I already thought I knew. People who say marriage stinks, "The ol' ball and chain", insert cliche here...I can see why they would say those things. It can be brutal if you get it wrong. You choose to spend life with the wrong person for the wrong reason, sure...it can be its own form of torture. But do what I did, let God guide your choices and direct your heart, and you get it better than right. You get Lindsay. I used to hate the idea of marraige. Used to. I hadn't met her yet. Thank God I was wrong.

I'll have humble pie, please

2008-12-16T16:51:00.003-05:00

So I'm "man-ing" up. My boys got smacked. I knew it wasn't going to go well the night before when I got a text from a friend of mine who had some connections (staying at the same hotel as the team, had field passes, went in the locker room after the game) that Champ Bailey wasn't going to play. At that moment, I knew it wasn't going to happen. But we went anyway. We got there a couple of hours early, watched the warm ups from as close to the field as we could get without actually being on it. Took lots of pictures (that I'll post soon, forgot the camera this morning). The game starts, and it's chilly but not really cold. Not compared to the Christmas Night game of 2004 when it was 26 degrees at kickoff. Started out nicely, marched right down the field and put it in for seven. Then Carolina gets the ball and without even really exerting themselves, answers. A Champ-less defense finally ran out of steam. About halfway through the second quarter, I started to realize that we weren't going to win. No one, and I've seen every single snap this year, no one has put pressure on Cutler the way the Panthers did. Combine that with the fact our starting running back was selling cell phones a month ago, and I finally resolved myself to the fact that it was going to be a long, long day. For some reason at the end of the half, we have the ball at our own 18. 30 some seconds left and we call timeout. You figure in that situation, you're going to take a shot down field right? No, we ran a toss right with a guy in his first game in eight weeks, he fumbles and they get a cheap field goal right before halftime. It was the only time I yelled. Until...
The game is almost officially over (it had been over since that fumble). Denver has the ball is for the first time in two quarters, progressing down the field. Tatum Bell (the cell phone salesman, "T-Mobile") got a run and broke it for a first down. Lindsay, God love her, still into it, stood up and cheered. That's it. Stood up, clapped, and said "wooohooo, go!!". No taunting, no "take that, Carolina sucks", none of that. She sits down, and I hear, "scoreboard" from behind us. At that point, I snapped. "Scoreboard!?! Really dude? She's cheering for her team, she didn't say anything to you." By the time that was out, I realized it was a young teen boy, I'm guessing 13-14 years old that had spoken up. This kid now was realizing, "Oh, he's not going to just sit there." No, I wasn't. The kid now with a stunned, half smirk on his face said "I was just trying to watch the game". I said something along the lines of "your team is winning ok, but that doesn't make you a badass, you're not going to talk to her anymore." At this point his dad chimes in, "Cool your jets" he says to me. "Talk to your son, if he's man enough to talk, make sure he talks to me." We go back and forth a few minutes, finally calming down. Then a few rows behind all that, a younger boy (maybe 8-9) cheers for the Broncos. Lindsay, now with the fire fully stoked turns and says, "You going to tell him to sit down too?" Round two. He says something to her and I reminded him that if he was going to talk, to direct his wit to me and not to her. His dad says, "I'm getting stadium security" "Go get 'em" I tell him, not caring if we got kicked out, there was :35 left and we're down 20. Moral of the story I explained to the security guy what happened he nodded and said, "well the game's over now" the kid with his dad left.
And that was it. Two days later, I probably took 30-10 out on this kid. But I stand by what I was saying, even if the way I said it could've been better. That kid doesn't know that I'm not the same guy I was 2-3 years ago, a guy that in those circumstances would've made that scene much, much worse for everyone involved. "What were you going to do!?" Lindsay asked. Nothing, I didn't want to hit the kid, the dad, or anyone, but I did want him to learn (because he apparently hadn't yet) that having a ticket to a ball game (concert, whatever) doesn't give you authority to talk to people, especially women, that way. If Lindsay had stood up and said, "Yeah, we rule! Carolina can kiss it!" Then maybe, she would've brought it on herself. But by her standing up briefly, cheering innocently, and sitting back down, the classy thing to do would have been to maybe snicker, roll your eyes, and just enjoy the win. If I had stood up and cheered, and he had said it, fine. I don't care. But what I wanted the young man to know is that you don't get to talk to my wife like that. You don't know her, you don't have permission to speak to her that way. You stick your head in the lion's mouth, you get bitten. He, and myself too, are lucky this didn't happen a few years ago. I don't know if I handled it perfectly, but I know I protected my wife outwardly. God's grace and wisdom that I've allowed to sink in over the last couple of years kept that scene from being any worse. Now if only He would've been so gracious to let Champ heal a little more quickly, I could've been the one celebrating...

"Sunday....Sunday....Sunday!!!!"

2008-12-10T12:59:00.003-05:00

Since this is the last day I'll be around a computer before Sunday, I thought I'd go ahead and blog about this weekend. This Sunday, the first time that my boys will have ever played a regular season game in North Carolina (they played two preseason games). The pictures from above are from the games I've been to in Colorado (vs Kansas City in September '06, vs New England October '05, and a stadium tour before the Kansas City game). I've been to two other games that I couldn't find pictures from on this cojmputer (vs San Diego November 2003 and at Tennessee Christmas night of 2004). But this Sunday, the Denver Broncos will be playing the Panthers in Charlotte. It's not only my team, but it's a huge game. Denver wins, they clinch a division championship. I've seen them play in person four times, I've seen them beat a defending world champion, I've seen them break records, I've seen a home opner, but I've never seen them clinch a division championship. I can't begin to tell you how excited I am. It will be Lindsay's first ever NFL game. It will be my parents' fourth Bronco game. I've been to five Bronco games, four games not involving Denver. This is by far, the one I'm most excited about. I'm not worried about rooting for the visiting team, I don't think Panther fans are generally hostile to outsiders. Even if Denver wins, I have no intention of gloating, so I don't forsee starting up any scene, which I think for the most part is the only time fans in that stadium would become hostile. They won't come back to Charlotte for at least another four years, so this is Haley's Comet kind of rare. The tickets weren't too expensive, at least not compared to what I'm used to. I've been known to drop $340/ticket...twice. I'm so excited for this game, and for everyone riding home with me on Sunday night, it'll be a much more pleasant ride if we (that's right I said "we") can win. I know Carolina looked good Monday night, but that was Monday night. Rarely are NFL teams that fired up two weeks in a row.

I have no idea

2008-11-20T15:25:00.002-05:00

I know what you're thinking, "Hey wait, that's not Colorado." You're good.

About to fall asleep last night, I'm flipping around the channels because "The Daily Show" wasn't having one of its best nights. I come across "The Pursuit of Happyness". It's a Will Smith movie from a couple of years ago where he plays this (eventually) single dad living in San Francisco, struggling to make it. And by make I don't mean, make the NFL. Make it in Hollywood. I'm talking about "I'm not sure if we're going to be able to eat tomorrow" make it. I don't want to tell the whole movie, but there's a point, maybe it's the low point (at least one of them) where Will's character, (Chris) and his son in the movie (who by the way is his son in real life as well) have to spend the night in a subway bathroom. Sleeping on the floor of a underground railroad bathroom because they've been kicked out of multiple hotels and apartments because Chris can't pay the rent. Chris' son somehow falls asleep, and as someone comes to the bathroom door, tries to get in but can't because Chris locked the door from the inside, Chris begins to cry. I guess in the moment he was afraid more that someone was going to tell him he and his son couldn't sleep there. That yet again, they'd have to find somewhere else to go. I imagine that was the fear more than someone was going to harm either of them.

And then it dawns on me as I start to tear up with Chris, I have no clue what that is. I know Will Smith hasn't always been as "fortunate" as he has EARNED himself to be now, but I don't know that he really truly, deep down has any clue what that is. I can promise you I don't. I have no idea what it's like to hope that someone doesn't tell me that I can't sleep on the floor of a public bathroom because I don't know where else me and my four year old (I'm guessing on the age but it doesn't really matter) son can sleep. My idea of struggling now is having both the Broncos and the Tarheels lose on the same weekend. To say I have it good, well, it's kind of insulting. And this isn't one of those, "count your blessings this Thanksgiving" blogs. Those kind of annoy me...no offense if you have or are planning to write one. But it just hit me when I saw that scene, man, I don't have any idea what it's like to be scared like that. To be hopeless like that. That's purely a credit to my parents. And don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I'm going to have a yard sale tomorrow, give away all my worldly possessions so I can really appreciate what it is to relate to those who have lived the story of the man in the movie, some without a happy ending. I like my Direct TV and I don't have to apologize for it. But I think while I don't think God is really asking me to strip down all of my possessions to a bed, some clothes and a couple of loaves of bread, He is asking me to realize that it can all be taken away. For not necessarily doing anything wrong.

Recently there's been a lot in the news about the "Big Three" automakers going to the government asking for I think a $25 billion bailout. The CEO of Ford Motor Corporation, when a congressman asked if he (the CEO) would consider reducing his million dollar salary to help his own company, his employees out instead of part of a $25 billion taxpayer bailout. Paraphrasing, "No, no I think I'm ok where I'm at." This guy has never seen "The Pursuit of Happyness". If he has, he was too busy counting hundred dollar bills to pay any attention. I'm not offended by what he said on my behalf, I'm ok. I'm offended by what he said on behalf of the Chris Hudson's of the world.

But what's more than the offense that I took from that, is the inspiration I get. Not from Will Smith in a movie, although it is a good movie. I get the inspiration from friends that I have that have been in similar situations. One in particular. Lost their income. A very young child to take care of. And he'll tell you he was worried at times. Not "subway bathroom floor" worried, but worried. While he wasn't worry free, his faith was remarkable. He just knew God was going to provide. And now He is. If this blog is wondering and direction-less, you know what it's like to have been in my head since I flipped the channel on this movie last night.

I turned it off before the fear of being in a similar position kept me up all night. I'd seen it before, so I know what happens. But I can't help but watch that and think, "Do I have enough strength to fight through the way the guy in the movie did? Do I have the strength that my friend that I mentioned does? Other friends I didn't mentioned who've had similar stories. Those that I don't know that have had similar stories?" I don't know. I like to think I do, but I don't know. All I know is I have no idea what it looks like to be in the middle of that storm. And I am, yes, incredibly thankful that I don't. Dang it, and I told myself this wasn't going to be one of those types of blogs. Anyway, I guess this was just a really long way of thanking my parents, for not ever letting me sleep on the floor of a subway bathroom. I never came close.

Sigh....

2008-11-17T14:46:00.003-05:00

It's been a while.....

2008-10-30T11:08:00.004-04:00

Did you miss me? I guess we have been so busy we have not had time to do anything. Marc has been doing a number of things with work. BBQ Festival, meeting Adam Gregory, Matinsville Race, The Fair!, and I am sure things I am missing. Below is Lindsay and Adam Gregory.

Needless to say October is the month where we go go go! I am also in the musical "The Sound of Music" at the moment so that is taking away from the free time. Well I am having a good time with it! I do know that. We had free time on Tuesday to share with friends. We went to Chris and Molly's and it was a great time. The food was great and the fellowship even better. I love getting together and sharing with friends. It is a time that feeds my soul! Especially since there was a little one running around part of the night. And even though she wasnt feeling to well she still let me shake my booty with her to some Veggie Tales!

So Marc made me dinner last night! The first time! It was very good. Chicken alfredo. Except I am not big on mixing the chicken in so I ate mine with some different sauce. He did a great job and even cleaned up all the dishes as well! You cannot tell me you wouldnt want husband like mine! Of course you cant have mine because well, he is MINE! hehe! I guess that is all for now. My friend Jen is getting married this weekend so I am sure I will have something to tell you come Monday!

I can't think of a title

2008-10-14T14:47:00.008-04:00

Just to get this out of the way, that of course is a picture of Colorado. This post has nothing to do with Colorado. I just like pic's of Colorado, so I throw them in when ever I can. Regardless of how or if it relates to what I'm writing about.
Ok, that said, I've really been struggling lately with roles. I'll tell this story as quickly as I can. The radio station I work for is getting a new morning show. A few days ago we had a staff meeting to unveil who it was going to be. It was a sales slide show presentation that was put together to show to clients but we were getting a look at it first to be "introduced" to the new guy. The slide show started by featuring each of the stations' websites, and then the air staff members. When my station came up, there was the new morning guy, Angie, Bill, next station. Skipped over me entirely. I've been here nine years. Granted, I'm not the dominating personality or as well known as those that did make the presentation, but I'm somewhere in between what being left off and being the focus.
Since then, about a week and a half, I've really been struggling with my role. My value, my worth. I know I'm valuable to my family, that's not what I'm talking about. And I'm not saying I'm taking that for granted, it's awesome that I am treasured by those who love me. But there's a degree to which we want those who have no part of our family tree to notice us, appreciate our efforts, value us. We want to be important. I don't want to be responsible for every little thing important, the guy who can't put his blackberry down long enough to eat a meal important. But valued for what I do. I'm never going to be the most popular or beloved in any circle, and I'm fine with that. I really, really am. I don't get my value as a man from being recognized on the street as a guy who is on the radio. I don't like it, much less get my worth from it. But I mean, really? I don't even make a staff presentation? I was told it was an oversight, but still. The damage has been done. It wasn't just that incident, though that was a seriously painful arrow. Feeling ignored by some friends, just a general feeling of being over looked, invisible.
Then comes my time in the word, which I honestly don't spend enough of, but I was in it this one day, and I come across this. Romans 12:4-6 from "The Message":

In this way we are like the various parts of a human body. Each part gets its meaning from the body as a whole, not the other way around. The body we're talking about is Christ's body of chosen people. Each of us finds our meaning and function as a part of his body. But as a chopped-off finger or cut-off toe we wouldn't amount to much, would we? So since we find ourselves fashioned into all these excellently formed and marvelously functioning parts in Christ's body, let's just go ahead and be what we were made to be, without enviously or pridefully comparing ourselves with each other, or trying to be something we aren't.

That last part, "let's just go ahead and be what we were made to be, without enviously or pridefully comparing ourselves with each other, or trying to be something we aren't." And I just wept. How convicting is that of a man who claims to not want too much attention, and then wonder why he's not getting what he thinks he should. My wife seems to think I'm pretty cool (though she calls me a dork all the time) the was I was "made to be". My parents are endlessly supportive, honestly (sorry mom & dad), but sometimes to a fault. How many times, especially over the days since that slide show episode, have I been envious and comparing myself to those who naturally attract people and are easily "beloved"? I think those who take the time to know me, generally like me. But how many people do I really let get that far? Is it because I've lost so many people through one avenue or another? I'm scared I'll loose someone else so I refuse to invest anything past the surface to begin with? I claim to refuse the glare of the spotlight and then become envious of those who have it shown on.

To my credit, the very last part, "trying to be something we aren't". I think that I do well. I won't sacrifice my heart in order to get that notoriety, attention, acclaim, whatever you want to call it. I just complain instead.

And this isn't a desperate search for comments on this blog, comments when I see you, emails or phone calls, "Just read your blog and I want you to know you're valuable to me because x, y, z." I've just been convicted by something I read in Romans (so far my favorite book in the entire work).

After that sinks in, I feel led to read 1 John. And find this:

2:15-17: Don't love the world's ways. Don't love the world's goods. Love of the world squeezes out love for the Father. Practically everything that goes on in the world—wanting your own way, wanting everything for yourself, wanting to appear important—has nothing to do with the Father. It just isolates you from him. The world and all its wanting, wanting, wanting is on the way out—but whoever does what God wants is set for eternity.

Wanting to appear important has nothing to do with the Father. It just isolates you from him. You take that pointed verse, and combine it with a line I read in Donald Miller's "Searching For God Knows What", and you realize something. The line I read says this:

Even Jesus says His glory comes from the Father, which I take to mean that even Christ...was valuable because God loved Him

I'm not valuable because people notice me. I'm not valuable because I make a slide show presentation. I'm not valuable because the people I work with do or don't appreciate my effort. I'm not valuable because of what my wife, my family, my friends think of me. I am valuable because God loves me. Me. And He does. Oh how He does. There's nothing I can do, no level of good deed or stupid mistake that will earn His love or take it away. I have His love because He is so loving, not because I did some good things. I can't tell you how relaxing that is. How calming. To realize that even if I'm not seen by those I walk by every day in an office, even if my friends sometimes look right by me, He says I'm valuable. He says I'm glorious. No one can take that away. And I didn't have to earn it. I couldn't have. Praise Him. Even though this is revelation I'm sure I'll forget entirely too easily.

By the way this is our Baby!

2008-10-09T14:43:00.002-04:00

Sheba in her coat to stay warm....as if she didnt have enough hair!

This is her at Daddy's Work

1/ 2 priced wine?

2008-10-09T14:27:00.001-04:00

So I went to dinner with a friend last night. Now we know each other from doing musicals she is the talest on in this picture with the polka dots! Anyways.

It was so good to get together with a friend and just chat. She is an amazing woman and she has recently found a great guy. We talked about this A LOT! Of course my ears were open because it is great to see someone so HAPPY!

We had dinner at Village Tavern and of course some 1/2 priced wine because you cannot beat that! We talked about her GUY, the FUTURE and all sorts of wonderful things.

After that we went to Starbucks and then sat down to talk even more about things we never had before. I am glad I now have a new FRIEND to hang out with. I am starting to get the hang of having many friends to be able to call on. It is kind of nice to not feel so lonely.

(Friend lonely that is not Marc lonely! I love him!)

I got that feeling....

2008-10-08T11:14:00.000-04:00

Sunday I sang at church with the worship team. We did amazing music and the people playing in the band were awesome. The music surrounded all of me and I could feel God with all of us. He was there that morning and it was very clear to me. We were singing the song Might to Save and got to the chorus for what was supposed to be the last time.

Savior, He can move the mountains,
My God is Might to Save
He is Mighty to Save
Forever, Author of Salvation
He rose and CONQUERED THE GRAVE
He conquered the grave.

All the music cut out and we were just singing those words over and over again and everyone in that sanctuary was lifting up their voices. It was amazing. I could feel God just covering over not only me but everyone in Grace that day. I cried. I could no longer sing those words because His presence was so thick. I have never felt anything like that before. He moved around me and through me that day.

There are things I struggle with everyday. Things from the past, things in my head that are lies, I struggle every day. For that moment in time I was reminded that He did conquer the grave and He is Might to Save. It doesn't matter where I have come from He is there to pick my up and renew my Spirit.

I am thankful for that.

There's this guy.....

2008-10-06T11:48:00.001-04:00

There is this guy that I love more than anyone. He knows how to make laugh. He brings me smiles all throughout the day no matter how bad my day may get. He is there for me. To comfort me. Love me. Hold me. He is there.

He is my rock. I cannot imagine my life without him. I love when he yells at the Tv during a Broncos game or claps and yells so hard poor Sheba runs to mommy. Of course mommy reassures her that "Daddy is talking to people who can't hear him not her" He is a good man. A loving man who will always look out for my heart and well being. He will defend me if I need him to and comfort me as well.

He is my husband! The best man I could ever imagine. He is MY husband! No one else gets to experience the joy that I have with him although he does bring joy to others. But no one gets to know the joy I have with him. It is special. Between us and I love it.

Work sucks

2008-10-02T15:19:00.001-04:00

What it SHOULD be

2008-09-21T16:24:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was the "Out of the Darkness" walk. Since Abbie took her own life a little more than seven years ago, it's been a real process of healing. I feel like for the most part, I'm good and healed now. Really. It's not that I miss her less or I'm not bothered by what she did and, quite frankly, what was done to her. It's just that I'm able to walk with less of a limp because of it now. Time. Christ. The stream of healing. I say that because instead of blaming myself and everything else, I've decided to turn the corner and do whatever I can to help the cause of suicide prevention. As I told a reporter yesterday (yeah I work in radio but it's still cool to be interviewed!), it's the most dangerous cause that no one wants to talk about. There's a stigma, "well, they chose". There's all kinds of misunderstanding and bluntly a lack of compassion with suicide when compared to things like cancer and heart disease. Cancer and heart disease deserve compassion, the efforts to end them deserve attention and support. But so does this. We raised a lot of money, more than we had in the previous two years of its existence. That was great. That was fantastic. That will be tremendously helpful. But it wasn't the best part. The best part was the turnout. People just kept showing up. It was beautiful. It was powerful to see the shirts with victims names, faces, and dates. To know that there were all these different stories, but this common, unspoken understanding.
But you want to know what my favorite part was? There was this guy, I'm not going to give his name because I don't how public he wants his story to be. He knows who he is. But he came to the walk. It's personal for him, and his family. Another member of his family chose the same ending that Abbie did. He and the rest of his family had apparently never discussed it. Ever. It had been several years, this wasn't last month. But they never talked what their family member did, how it affected them, what they must've been going through. So this person hears about the walk, and calls two of his family members (sorry about being vague, it's for his confidence) to join him at the walk. They do. They register, they walk. The "central" area was underneath this picnic shelter. After the walk is over they go to the back of this shelter, find a table all to themselves, kind of cast away from the other people. They wanted to be alone. From the other end of the shelter, I see this book. I'm assuming some sort of scrapbook. Pictures, newspaper clippings, that kind of stuff. And I'm told that they were talking about what happened. For the very first time. I watched a couple of them wipe tears from their faces. There was no real sobbing, but you could tell, a wound was being lanced. I watched the guy take off his glasses, I can only imagine so he could reach his tears that he just recently learned he could still cry (that in itself, thrills my heart more than I can tell you). I went to say goodbye to them when I had to leave, and I felt bad for interrupting such a beautiful fellowship. I just hugged him, introduced Lindsay to the other family members, and left. There was nothing that really needed to be said. Small talk seemed insulting.
That will be my image of this (so far) most successful walk. A family, who had avoided acknowledging this devastating wound, now diving in head first. Using this occasion to heal, to allow healing to be done.
We raised over $14,000. Fantastic. That money will help a lot. And I hope that everyone was helped in some way. But I know for sure, I saw it, three siblings coming together for the first time ever to love each other. Love each other closer to wholeness. I am so freaking proud of this guy. So proud. And I bet that the "board" of the walk would agree without hesitation, you can have every nickel of that $14,000 back, if we could have had every person at that walk, share in a moment like these three people did. Community, healing, helping, and love. It was more of a living example of the true intention of Christianity than any conference or church service I'd ever been to.

The light above the lake

2008-09-16T14:57:00.000-04:00

I've said several times that this is my favorite place on earth. It is, if you're tuning in late, Emerald Lake in the middle of Rocky Mountain National Park, Colorado. The top is a picture of me taken at the shores of the lake, looking up at Hallet Peak. The second is just a better look at the lake, as it's tough to get all of it in one shot. Even though I've said several times it's my favorite place on earth, and day dreamed about it, marveled at it when I've been lucky enough to be there, talked endlessly about it, had my Groom's cake modeled after it at our wedding, I never really understood why it was my favorite. Never, until that is, Lindsay and I went a short while back.
We get up to the lake Sunday afternoon. Maybe morning, I don't know. This was the one place I had been looking forward to since the last time I sat there with my brothers the summer before. Aside from its majestic and over powering - yet tranquil - beauty, what was it that captured me the way nothing else (short of my wife) ever has? I mean, devil's advocate, it's a lake. Sure it's pretty, but what's the big deal? Fair question. And I didn't know the answer, until this day.
We're sitting there, thankfully quietly, and Lindsay catches me. "Are you crying?" After a "uh oh I've been caught" giggle, I muster up a, "Yup." "Why?" "I really don't know." And we turn back to look at the mountain that surrounds the lake. I was really trying to figure out the answer to her question, I wasn't just avoiding it to return to silence, I wanted to know why I had teared up, and why this place meant so much more to me than any other on the planet. And I swear it's going to sound like I'm making this up for dramatic affect, but I hear God speak to me, "This is your 'Shack'". YES! EXACTLY! That's it!
For those of you who haven't read it, it's a story about a man (Mackenzie) who's daughter is kidnapped, taken to an abandoned shack in the middle of absolute nowhere and killed. Years later, the father is invited back to that shack by God. After wrestling with the thought, he goes. Without spoiling the book, what follows is a weekend in spent with the Trinity, putting his (the father of the kidnapped girl) heart back together. Mackenzie is healed of his wounds the only possible way you can ever truly be healed. Head on. Go directly into that wound and heal it from the inside out. Don't just put a band aid on and hope it goes away, you have to get your "hands dirty". Again, at the risk of spoiling the book, Mackenzie is sent back home after a weekend at the shack a man with his whole heart back. He's healed. He's excited, he's happy, he's finally able to remember his pain without reliving it, spiraling him out of control. He is refreshed, metaphorically dipped into the waters of forgiveness and hope, and he has emerged stronger and full of more love to share than he ever thought he could. Mackenzie's shack, is my Emerald Lake.
The first time I sat at that lake I had been meeting with Steve Lynam for almost eight months. Christ had been making real progress at putting my heart back together after the wounds of growing up in a broken world, after loosing deeply beloved grandparents, best friends, mentors, bosses (both), heroes, coworkers all to timely and "untimely" deaths. I had just met Lindsay a week earlier. The light was just starting to creep back into my heart. For months, years, it was dark. But now, there were little cracks starting to form. Those cracks were becoming bigger, and more light was seeping in by the time I made it Emerald Lake in September 2006. I sat at this lake, surrounded by a beauty that can ONLY be the work of God. I felt so safe, so protected. "If God could make this...and He also created me?? His hand is responsible for me and this!?!" Yes!! One of the lessons of "The Shack" is He just asfond of me and just asproud of His creation of me as He is of places like Emerald Lake. Probably more so. "I'm awfully fond of him". It's my favorite line from the entire "Shack".
That was the first time that beam of light broke through to me. (2 years before I would read that book) That was the first time I believed it. Ask anyone that was around, after I came back home from that first time at the lake, I was refreshed. Renewed. Relaxed and happy. For the first time in a long, long, long time, completely happy. It is absolutely no coincidence that shortly there after Lindsay and I take off. And everything else that has gone on. And sitting back at this lake two years later, the light was shown to me (pun very intended) why this is my favorite place on earth. It's where the healing was completed. And I was sent back into my "normal" life with a new, whole, healthy heart. Who wouldn't want to revisit a place like that? Whatever it looks like to you.

Daydreaming........

2008-09-15T15:56:00.000-04:00

Cool Rock

Yep! Stay here all day!

I miss seeing these little guys so close

2-0 means never having to say "You're sorry"

2008-09-15T11:42:00.000-04:00

First of all, yes, you're right. We got away with it. But I don't care. I don't care because we earned our way down the field, all day long. Should it have been their ball? Yes, but don't blame the Broncos, blame the ref. And what should Cutler have done? Said, "You know, I feel bad for San Diego, that's really a tough break. Here Mr. Turner, your team can have the ball." There were sixty minutes of brilliant offense and matador defense. It's not like without that call we only score 10 points. And as I told my dad, "With any other team, I'd feel a little bit worse." But after the Christmas Eve game last year against them, when they talked as much as they did anything else, this date was circled immediately. So bottom line, yes, San Deigo got ripped off. But I honestly don't care. They had two more plays to stop us. Yes, the ref blew the call. We capitalized. Show me the column in the standings for "Games should've won but got lucky on". Only "W's" or "L's".

Second, from Peter King's Monday Morning column: Mike Shanahan, "You don't make that kind of call unless you've got 100 percent confidence in your quarterback, which I do,'' he said. "In a case like that, you're prepared for what comes, and I knew I'd get killed if it didn't work. It goes with the territory. I knew it was the right call.''

"You'd say that even if it failed?' I asked.

"Oh yeah,'' Shanahan said.

There's a man who's not afraid to lose his job. I wouldn't have had the guts to do that, but then again he's a much better football coach than I am. I just hope there aren't 14 more of those. I don't have the arteries to support that.

How do you people deal with this humidity!?!?

2008-09-09T15:41:00.000-04:00

She's right. We're back. Tons of pictures that I'm trying to get ready to share, video, none of which are better than the videos we have from our minds. It was a great trip, we can't wait to go back, and take you with us. We'll talk more about it soon, I just really wanted to get this picture up. By the way....

It's Time to go back, Right?

2008-09-09T14:30:00.000-04:00

Did I mention that I would like to go back to this very spot? Yes I would. It would be much better than having to be on this computer and dealing with WORK! Blah! Anyways we are back and had a wonderful time. It was amazing to see all the wildlife and things that God has put here for us to enjoy. Being able to hear the bull elks bugeling and the cows mewwing was just amazing. We even saw a baby calf suckle up to it's mother! I was amazed. God was showing us everything about His Glory and reminding us that he created this beautiful place for all of His children. I thank Him for the opportunity to be a part of all of this beauty.

Years away from the storm

2008-08-18T15:15:00.000-04:00

So yesterday the pastor at my church is teaching from the book of Ruth. I'll confess, I had never read a single verse from it. Didn't even know it was in there. But he starts into his sermon and he keeps mentioning being in the darkness. Being lost in the darkness, finding your way in the darkness. "Why do bad things happen to good people?" And I thought (apparently I thought out loud), "Oh great." When I thought that, Lindsay turns and looks at me which is what makes me think I thought it out loud. Really? He's going to do this sermon on this day? Are you freakin' kidding me? And so he preaches on. "Do you ever ask yourself, 'Why me?'" Making sure I kept it to myself, I think, "He really is." Bill told a story about a friend of his who made mistakes and said "Why would God do this to me?" And there it was, an echo. An echo in a different voice from the one I heard that question from so many times before. I could never, ever answer that question.
It was one of the biggest frustrations I'd had for six years. It was probably the second. First was, I should've stayed in touch with her. That was first on the list. Second was, I didn't work hard enough to answer that question. I didn't work hard enough to show God to her. I'd think, look up something in my study bible index, and just shake my head, "I don't know Abbie. I don't know why." And for six years, it was my fault. It was my fault that I didn't stay around her. It was my fault for not walking from Elon to Israel to find out the answer to her question. That's what I should've done. That's what a good friend would have done. That's what a real Christian would've done. I failed her. I failed Him.
Six years I heard that. Six years I agreed. Actually, it was 366 (this is a Leap Year) days ago that I broke that agreement. Funny, exact same day on the calendar. One year earlier I was with my band of brothers in my favorite place in the world at a John Eldridge boot camp. August 17th. I knew we'd be out there on that day. I was glad I was going to be surrounded by them. Side note, the year before, 8/17 fell on a Thursday. I had an appointment with Steve Lynam, and I meet with my brothers on Thursday. So I was well protected from the usual unspeakable storm that visits me annually on August 17th. This year I was with them out there. And then came the afternoon, "session". And John Eldridge himself starts talking about the wound. "Oh great. You can't be serious. Today?" Yes, today. John, Bill, Jesus, all three of them decided, "Yes, we're going into this...today." I knew exactly where the talk would go. Straight into the clip from "Good Will Hunting". Where Robin Williams' character finally breaks down the stubborn character of Matt Damon. Over and over, "It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault." I knew it was coming, I couldn't even pick up my head long enough to watch the clip. I didn't want to. It just came flowing out. Tears, anger, sorrow, guilt, shame, threatening sadness. All left on the carpet of this makeshift theatre in Frasor, Colorado.
Since that day, August 17th, 2007, it hasn't hurt as bad. Don't think I'm saying I don't miss her. Don't think I'm saying I don't hurt. But I decided to stop agreeing with that lie, and agree with Jesus. And in this case, Robin Williams. To you, you're saying, "Well, of course it wasn't." Six years my friend. Six years you were wrong. Because I knew better.
So when Bill starts in on this "Why do bad things happen to good people" sermon, I was so pissed off. "You're (God) going to have me sit here on the very day that she took her own life, the very damn day and have me listen to the sermon that I needed to hear seven years earlier? The one that might've saved her life?" The sermon ends and I'm hot. Not mad at Bill. He has no idea. Not mad at Abbie, the demons she was fighting were too strong for her, and she didn't believe in the One that could help her fight. Not even mad at God. I mean, she's the one who turned her back and refused His outreached hand. (a new revelation in my heart by the way) I was pissed at the fact that the enemy got a hold of her. I don't blame Bill for choosing to talk about that on August 17th. I don't blame Abbie for not waiting to hear that wonderful message. And I don't even blame God. And as I kept waiting for it to come, as it did every year on this day, it never did. I was totally prepared for the storm to come, like it did every single August 17th for six years. Instead, all I felt was the picture below. Beautiful isn't it? Peaceful, calm, I can't help but give a restful sigh when I look at it. It's Crooked Creek (where the boot camp was). It's the same pond I sat at exactly one year ago to the day. The next morning, I sat at that pond, and for the first morning in six years, I didn't carry the weight of Abbie's death. I didn't blame Bill, God, Abbie, or myself. That kind of peace is even better than this picture. There's a little place - you can't see it in this picture because it's next to where I was sitting when I took it - but the burden of Abbie's death is buried here. So when I was bracing yesterday for the storm, all I saw in my heart and my mind was this place. As far away as you can get from any furious storm. Glory to God for this place. Both this place on earth, and in my heart, in which He reigns.

PS:

2008-07-30T16:38:00.000-04:00

Friday August 1st is "Colorado Day"!!! Let me be the first to wish you a very happy, Colorado Day. Enjoy responsibly....

I can see it from here!

2008-07-30T14:48:00.000-04:00

So we're off on vacation this weekend. A long weekend/short trip to Oak Island. When we get back I have to really zone in for a few days, and then all attention shifts....here:

....Ok I'll stop.

"I was in the pool" -- George Castanza

2008-07-17T08:21:00.000-04:00

This is a youtube clip of my favorite place on earth. It was taken in the last few weeks, and there's still snow!!! Feel free to skip ahead to the 3 minute mark, that's where the pay off really is. You never really get a good look at the mountain. In fairness, it's a big mountain and tough to fit into the shot...

You never know, we may have a clip of me doing that in 42 days!!

45....

2008-07-15T17:26:00.000-04:00

Deuteronomy 31:6 says, "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."

I don't really have any wisdom to add to that. But I shared it with some people today and it seemed to help some of them. Hopefully it does the same for you.

In theaters September 26th

2008-07-14T11:04:00.000-04:00

"A real man's gotta be a hero to his wife, before he can be to anybody else. Or he ain't a real man"

"Fireproof doesn't mean the fire will never come, but when the fire does come, you'll be able to withstand it."

59...58...57...56....

2008-07-01T17:12:00.000-04:00

Never before have I been soooo happy to see a huge deduction in our checking account. I got to work and checked it online (kind of a daily thing, just to keep an eye on it) and there it was. "Withdrawal, $921.76." (or whatever it was) I was so pumped. It was the second half of our reservation for the cabin Lindsay and I are staying in when we go to the promised land in 59 days from my typing this. It's paid for. The first half the woman took when we first booked it, the second half to come out when we were 60 days out. Which is where we are!! We're that close!!! I'm like a school girl now. When the countdown gets to single digits, I will be dang near useless. Now way in the world I'll be any kind of productive.

So then I decide to find the cabin on google earth. By looking around, I realized we're 1 1/2 mile away from the Rocky Mountain National Park's entrance. 1 1/2 mile in the other direction, the start of the "Peak to Peak" Scenic by way, which is a road which stretches from Estes Park south around 30 miles toward Pikes Peak. It's supposed to be one of the most scenic roads in the state (which is saying something). I haven't been on that road yet, so Lindsay and I will discover that together. Quite frankly, my imagination tells me it's the only thing I'll ever see to rival her for "Most beautiful sight ever".

I'm just so incredibly, annoyingly excited for this trip. And now that the cabin, flight, rental car, everything's paid for, the only thing left to do is count down and try to focus on my job. After I blog about not being focused that is. 9....58....57....

Talking it out

2008-06-19T11:35:00.000-04:00

Have I mentioned in this whole blog how amazing my husband is? Well he is. It is funny how sometimes you do not want to talk about things. They will just go away if you don't, right? I am glad to have a husband who will push me. Push me to talk to him about those things I have tucked away. He is right. It hurts when you talk about them but it feels better the next day. I am thankful God spoke to him to poke at me a little and get me to talking. This is just my way of really letting him know how thankful I am for him. He may not be a chef but he has so many other special things about him that make me love him so much. Thank you baby!

The Beautiful Lady Has Sung.

2008-06-08T17:47:00.000-04:00

Weeks and weeks, night after night, she worked so hard. Just to tell you how long it's been, I went with her for "callbacks". It's the round after the first audition where they start figuring who gets what part. It wasn't warm enough yet for flip flops. And I love wearing flip flops. For weeks she spent multiple nights a week rehearsing. Spent lots of money traveling back and forth. Never giving up when some things didn't go her way. She missed it too much. She loved doing it too much. Even though she came home sometimes exhausted, frustrated, angry, sore, six nights over the last two weekends made it all worth it. Made it worth it for both of us. Her, because obviously this was why she spent the time, money, energy, effort. To be under the lights, friends she loves and those she hasn't met watching her perform. Me, because I got to watch her for the first time. I'd heard her sing before. She'd sing along with Carrie Underwood when we to see her in concert. She'd even sing along in the car (I gotta take that B-52's cd and hide it somewhere). She even sang at church sometimes. Those were cool. But this was different. Watching it be her turn, this was cool. Now, the program will tell you she wasn't the "lead" performer, but that's subjective. I know several people who thought she was. Which leads me to...

Thank you so much to everyone who came to the finale night. Gas is expensive, no one else we know lives near Lewisville, a record breaking heat wave all told everyone to stay home, stay indoors. But there were so many people who didn't listen. They wanted to see her. And it meant so much to me. It meant even more to her. She was tired, she was a little ready for it to end. (She napped for like 7 1/2 hours earlier in the day) But knowing how many people made the effort, spent the gas, took the time to come see her, gave her a little boost. Way better for your heart than a RedBull boost, this was Lindsay knowing she was loved. What was so amazing, the majority of those who came, were friends of mine. I was blown away at how many people showed up for her. I was sitting behind them all (seeing the show 4 times before that night, I didn't mind surrendering the best view to someone else), I got a little teared up when I looked around at how many people came so far, were sweating so profusely to support my wife. Once she catches up on her rest enough (probably just in time to do another musical), I hope it sinks in to her how much she is loved, by those who quite honestly don't have to. The last couple of weeks she's been watching the scales so closely. Working really hard at lowering the number that pops up. I've been working really hard at convincing her that whatever number does pop up, it has absolutely no impact on how beautiful she is, how much I love her. My hope is that she sees that even though she didn't have the "lead role", there are a lot of people, many who aren't in our "tree", that will travel great distances and sit in syrup-thick humidity to see her come alive. No matter how high up her name appears on the program or how low the number on the scale is, she is deeply loved, exactly the way she is.

The father of a righteous man has great joy; he who has a wise son delights in him.

2008-06-06T13:10:00.000-04:00

For anyone who reads this on a regular, or any really, basis, this will seem very strange. Not only is it not going to be about me/us, it will have no hint at all of Colorado. My friends Jamie and Jennifer Webster have done something similar to what we have in this blog. Only the topic of theirs is nearly two year old Caden, their son. It's really cool, since Caden hasn't quite mastered blogging yet (though I'm sure it won't be long), it's a snapshot into the world of Caden Webster. There are a ton of pictures as you can see if you click on the link, but as I was looking at it the other day, there was one that jumped out at me and hasn't left my mind for very long since.

What fantastic moment that was captured. I don't know what they were talking about. I can't even tell you for sure if they were talking at all. But there is such a look of absolute adoration, on each side. Jamie is so focused on his son, and whatever the moment is about, Caden is engrossed in his father. There is such beautiful scenery around, and none of it's noticed. The only thing that matters in that moment is each other. So many kids, way too many kids don't have any moments like this. And Caden may never fully comprehend how much his father adores him. But this is such an authentic, honest, powerful statement. I have a ton of great friends, probably more than my share. There are handful who when they have/will become fathers, I don't worry at all. I pray for them, but not in a concerned, "Lord please help this kid, I know too much about his dad." Caden is not one of those children. The moment Jamie told me they were pregnant with him, I thought, "that will be a well loved, encouraged, and strong boy/man." And then you have these moments, luckily captured with a camera, to prove that. The son looks up to his father, and the father looks upon with pride, love, and unfiltered joy. This is such an example of Christ-like love, I guess that's why I can't get this picture out of my mind.

Jamie is one of those people that no matter where he goes, no matter who he's around, he fits in without compromising his true self. Everyone loves him. Everyone should. I've often said, "if you spend 10 minutes with Jamie Webster and walk away not liking him, it's your fault". No one knows that more than Caden. And no one cherishes Caden more than Jamie. I've just never seen a better picture of fathering well. And I'm not in the least bit surprised by it.

"If I die, don't you dare play 'Go Rest High' and dedicate it to me!!"

2008-05-15T16:00:00.000-04:00

Friday, May 16th is a day a lot of people around here remember, for the wrong reason. On that day in 2002, my friend, your friend, our friend, Paul Franklin was taken from us. See, that's the gut reaction description. His work was finished here. He did a lot of good work. He influenced many a man, boy, woman, girl. And on 5/16/2002, he was called away. For some reason we've chosen to mark the anniversary of the accident that took his, and two other wonderful souls-Tom and Isolda Temples in the same accident. I don't really understand why the day that they left us is more noticed than the day he was born, or the day he first became a father, the day he won one of three CMA awards. I can promise you from the inside, those were much more joyful days. We will, along with many others tomorrow, cry a little bit, but hopefully laugh a whole lot more. The number one thing I hear from listeners when they come to see us at events and appearances, "It just hasn't been the same since...". They're absolutely right. Rather than letting that reflect an emptiness in our lives, I'd rather it reflect the presence that we had once. The reason we feel a void now is because Paul was that special, that rare and a 6 foot, five inch gift. We are not less for not having him with us today, we're more for ever having the chance to cross paths with him. Would it be better if he were still with us? Maybe. But who am I to ask someone to leave the side of Jesus now that he's truly home.
CS Lewis wrote a journal after his wife (who he refers to as "H") passed away from cancer. In "A Grief Observed", he writes:

Praise is the mode of love which always has some element of joy in it. Praise in due order; of Him as the giver, of her as the gift. Don't we in praise somehow enjoy what we praise, however far we are from it? I must do more of this. I have lost the fruition I once had with H. And I am far, far away in the valley of my unlikeness, from the fruition which, if His mercies are infinite, I may some time have of God.. But by praising I can still, in some degree, enjoy her, and already, in some degree, enjoy Him. Better than nothing.

If you'd like to see pictures and hear old audio clips of Paul, please visit here.

Babies here, babies there, babies everywhere!

2008-05-14T14:55:00.001-04:00

There's a saying around the station (and probably other places) that says bad things (deaths) come in three's. Well, I have good news, sometimes babies do too! While I'm going to have a tough time working Colorado into this post, (no wait, that picture of Kory and me was taken in Denver...whew!!), I'm so thrilled to share the news that my friend of over 25 years, my brother in Christ, one of my favorite people in the world, is about to have his first child. His wife Blair (who also is one of my favorite people in the world) is due in December. As of last night, everyone is doing just fine. She's already having crazy cravings. I'm just so thrilled for them both, it'll be their first.

It'll be the second child for my boy Tom White. I can pretty much copy all of the things I said about Kory, and apply them to Tom. With the exception of how long I've known him. They both will be just phenomenal fathers. Tom has a little more experience than Kory does, but I'm not worried at all about any of these kids. They will be surrounded by love, strength, wisdom, and compassion. They are in the best of hands.

Also I found out this week that my friend Jill in Cary is expecting as well. See, good things come in three's as well!!

"So what is it you guys do?"

2008-05-06T20:51:00.000-04:00

...is the question I often get when I talk about my "small group", "band of brothers", whatever you want to call it. The group of men I get together with every Thursday night. And sometimes times away from Thursday night. We get together, we eat. We catch up. And as the meal is setlling, this is our purpose. One of my brothers, Matt, found this. And it's a perfect description of what we're trying to do:

A band of brothers is a group of men who were tired of life as usual. Men who were tired of feeling weak and ashamed and addicted to whatever brings a temporary escape from the pain, emptiness...or boredom. Men who wanted to come through for their wives, their children, their friends and their God, but whose lives were marked by frustration, depression, insecurity, and failure.

A band of brothers is a group of men who were tired of pretending. And so they stopped. They found a few other men with whom they could be completely transparent, guys with whom they could unload about all their shame and failures, all their fears, and all their weaknesses...men who, when they were done spilling their guts, would still be standing there saying, "What else you got?"

A band of brothers is a group of men who have traded their weakness for Christ's strength and their self-obsession for Christ's selflessness. Men who daily fight for one another, trading the enemy's lies with God's truth. They've joined arms with one another and joined ranks with eternity's Freedom Fighter, Jesus Christ. In Him they fight for the freedom of their wives, children and friends. It has become their life's passion, mission and purpose. Unified in Christ, these bands of brothers move with humility and courage towards total surrender, total trust and total commitment to the One who gives LIFE and who has overcome death.

A band of brothers is a group of men who've tasted the abundant life Christ came to bring. They've begun to realize their place in God's story. And now they want more...for themselves, for their families and friends, all for the glory of God.

The term 'band of brothers' was coined by Shakespeare in Henry V

"We few, we happy few, we band of brothers.
For he to-day that sheds his blood with me
Shall be my brother; be he ne'er so vile,
This day shall gentle his condition.
And gentlemen in England, now a-bed,
Shall think themselves accursed they were not here;
And hold their manhoods cheap, whiles any speaks
That fought with us upon Saint Crispin's day."

It really is the coolest thing. Look for it, there are more who want more.

Joys in My Life

2008-05-02T10:49:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was such a nice day! The weather was perfect and I had my first "happy" rehearsal with the musical. I actually got to hang out with just the girls and dance and had a great time! Above is a picture of me and Marc in Jamaica under the Bottlebrush tree. Now before we left my brother told me, "Every time you go under the bottlebrush tree you have to kiss." Marc loved the idea and so did I of course when we got there our butler looked at us like we had lost out mind the first time we went under it and stopped to kiss. She said that wasnt a true saying. Oh well we continued it throughout the honeymoon. So joys in my life. I love being able to spend time with people who have kids! They are just so much fun. I love hanging out with friends for dinner or games or even just an afternoon of hiking. I love the stage. I love feeding off of the audience and hearing them clap or laugh or even cry at something you are portraying on stage! I love waterfalls and being able to hear the sound they make. Sometimes a loud thunderous noise and sometime just an wonderful tiny trickle. They are all amazing to me. I love my husband. I love the way that he will expose himself to me and trust me with his heart. So anyways I just wanted to write about a few things that make me happy because yesterday was a very good day!

"I am well pleased"

2008-04-24T18:08:00.000-04:00

No, I didn't tell her to write that. And no, she didn't get that picture from me. But I'm sure pumped that my wife, my best friend, one of the best things (short of salvation) that's ever happened to me, is just as stoked about a trip to my most cherished place in the world as I am. I don't know what excites me more. That I get to go. That I get to go with her. That I get to go with her and it makes her heart come alive. But as excited as I am. As annoyingly excited as I am (I always have to point out a Colorado license plate when we're going down the road, I really can be obnoxious about it), there is one thing that I love looking at more than Rocky Mountain National Park - Emerald Lake included.

I love watching my wife love things. The last two nights I've been treated to a real treat. Most nights watching American Idol I want to go sit in the oven for a while to distract me from the pain of the show (but I have to watch it, so I make the best). But this week they had Andrew Lloyd Weber on. Broadway songs. I, like probably most people watching didn't know a single word of a single song. My wife did. She even guessed right on most of who was going to do what. She....LOVES Broadway. She loves being a part of musicals. She loves being on stage and performing. Hiking is to me as the theatre is to her. And to get to watch her watch that, was just great. Then the next night we saw the musical "Rent". It was in town and she mentioned wanting to see it. Luckily I was paying attention in that moment and got us tickets. I didn't get most of the play. I mean I think I got it, but there were parts I was lost. And I was really trying. But every now and then I'd glance beside me and see Lindsay's face. That...that daze she was in. That pure joy and fire that ignites when she either watches musicals (much less performs in them), that is simply the most special thing I've ever witnessed. And I've seen some pretty cool stuff. So ask me my favorite sights of all time up to this point. #2, without a doubt, Emerald Lake. #3, Lone Pine Lake. You get the point. But as good as those are, they're laps behind watching my beautiful wife enjoy something. Watching her come alive...makes Broadway cool.

Oh...I almost forgot....

One Place I would Rather Be.......

2008-04-24T11:26:00.000-04:00

I know Marc is going to love this one. I am so ready to go out to Colorado it is eating at me! I am ready to get away from all of the things that weigh us down here in NC. Being able to just get out in the middle of no where and experience things the way God intended them. His beauty. His amazing eye for detail. His knowledge of my love for waterfalls and making them more amazing than one can imagine in Colorado. I am just ready to get to experience silence. I cannot remember the last time I was able to just sit and enjoy God's creation and love for us by providing us an amazing playground. As some of you know I went to Western Carolina University. I loved being in the mountains because I could just get away and enjoy the beauty God created. It was amazing. I have been reading lately where there is a lot of development going on up there. There is some big company wanting to make 3 golf courses and build 200 plus homes on 4,000 acres of land. I cannot imagine trying to get away and experience the peace of what God created while looking out over a mountain top and seeing huge houses and not land God created. People are so greedy with wanting to have a bigger house and more this and more that but they do not even take a look at what is being used now. If people would take a moment to look at the houses that sit vacant or the golf courses that no one is really playing on they would see why there would be no reason to build a new one. I guess I just dont understand how someone can build something brand new beside something that is already there and not being used. Take strip malls for example: There are so many places where businesses have gone out of business and left a big parking lot and huge open building. Why is it that these companies cannot put less money into changing the standing structure into what they want it to look like. I mean it will only be a few years before that business goes down in flames as well. I just dont see the need to build new houses when we have hit a 16 year low on new home sales. I am thankful for National Park Land that does not get touched but why would someone want to go to a National Park to look out across the untouched land when they will soon be looking at someones huge million dollar house or golf course. I just think it is not needed. Sorry to ramble but I am just tired of people abusing the land we were put here to protect and live off of.

The best loves are sometimes the hardest to accept

2008-04-14T17:07:00.000-04:00

I can't help but wonder, how many times have I just missed it? How many times have I missed Lindsay's heart? How many times have I been so caught up in myself and what I want to do, what's important to me in the moment that I just blow it? Not that she would complain. That's what makes it so self frustrating. She's not hard to make happy. She's not highly demanding. We've had talks of moving to Colorado (pictured left...like you didn't know that), and she is just so supportive and ready to pack the bags. Yet I can just about promise you, day after day, I miss an opportunity. It's not blatant. It's not even on purpose. The day can drain me some days. The mental, spiritual and physical fatigue, I often use as a subconscious scapegoat. "Just let me get to the weekend, and we can spend some real time together away from the tv. Just let us get refreshed and then I'll experience her." But then the weekend gets here and often times, I find another excuse.

I tell her often that she's pretty. I don't do it out of obligation, I do it because I look her and think, "there's the feminine image of God, right here in front of me." I tell her I love her all the time. Sometimes I'll tell her that, she'll answer back, and we'll go back to being silent. Or going back to talking about whatever we were talking about. There's a line from a movie, "I got so busy trying to do my job, that I forgot to do my job." I wonder how often I don't do my job as a husband well enough. I can never do it to the level she deserves, only Jesus could love her as much as she deserves. Do I lead her spiritually enough? I can honestly tell you we don't pray together as much as we should. We'll both tell you that if we speak with any semblance of honesty. And I'm not even going to use the "well it's hard to love someone everyday" cop out, because that's exactly what it is. She loves me well. Everyday. So it's not that it's hard so it's ok to not, she doesn't ever fall back on that. And it's not that I'm horrible to her. I really do think I'm pretty good. But as good as I can possibly be, I'm still going to miss it sometimes. As intentional as I can be, there are still going to be moments that I don't get it right. I try really hard. I don't always try hard enough though. And it scares me because she is so loving, so understanding, so patient, and so unselfish that she may not point out those times to me, causing me to miss them all over again.

In the first few weeks we were married I drove myself crazy trying to think of new and creative ways to show her how special she was to me. I didn't want to ever take her for granted, I didn't want to get lazy so I'd beat my head against the wall trying to be so clever, that I'd miss time with her or moments where she just wanted me. And I really think that's been one of the more difficult lessons to learn. I should say to believe. That I really am enough for her. I don't have to be clever or grandiose all the time. Once in a while, sure, she likes being swept away as much as the next girl. But she doesn't need it. Not every day. She just wants the intimacy. She just wants the relationship.

And then it dawns on me, that's a lot like my walk with God. I don't have to come to church dressed up in a suit and tie to have a relationship with Him. I don't have to sing along with every song in order for Him to want to know me. Lindsay doesn't need a bubble bath every night to love me. After a while it would be about the obligation and the routine rather than the heart of it. Same thing with God. If I'm just going to church because that's what you do on Sunday mornings, then I'll miss Him. But if I go to really worship Him, really try to connect with Him, really try to learn about Him through the message, that's what He's after. He's a lot like Lindsay that way. Lindsay's a lot like Him that way. They both just want me. As my good friend Steve Lynam says, "Taking me as I am without leaving me where I am." It's hard to believe sometimes that Lindsay really will love me just because. Sound familiar?

Days Passing By

2008-04-08T16:51:00.000-04:00

Could this day get any longer? This has been the longest day. To make it go faster I thought I would add a new blog today. I went by last night and met Kristin's beautiful children. They are some of the most precious children I have met in a while. Lady Erin, Princess Madison and King Griffen! It was so good to get to see her and speak about a book we are wanting to dive into. It is great to have someone to go to! By this of course I mean women wise. So I also called Josie, my prayer partner from this weekend. She wasn't home at the time so I just told her dad to call me back. She has moved back to Maryland so it will be crazy trying to keep in touch! I started my new position here at SilkRoad. I now work in support and help people with their problems with programs. It is actually quite fun. I feel challenged during the day and I like it very much. I get to learn new things every day. There is always something to catch on to here in the Support Department. I have musical rehearsal tonight. Doing Oklahoma! again but this time in Lewsiville at the town square. Above is a picture from last time! The last weekend of May and the first weekend of June will be SHOWTIME! If you are able you should come and see the show. It is family friendly and you can even bring a picnic and watch the show. It is outside! Under the stars! What better way to watch Broadway then under the stars! Get in touch with me if you would like more information! Well I think I have taken up some of my time so I am going to end this one! Thanks for reading my rambling.

You Will Never Be Thirsty Again

2008-04-07T14:14:00.000-04:00

Marc is right! What a weekend I had. I went with the ladies of Grace Community Church and some of their friends to Montreat for the Women's Retreat. I can honestly say after the argument that Marc and I got into on Thursday I did not want to go. I wanted to be able to spend time with him. I knew that I needed to go because I had a dehydrated heart.

LuAnn Prater is an amazing woman and speaker. She talked to us about the "Woman at the Well". She had been through so much in her life that she didn't think she deserved much of anything. Jesus, a Jew, came to her as a Samaritan woman and asked for a drink. She wondered why he would speak to her since she was a half breed and not like Him. Jesus told her to go get her husband and this woman was open about how she was living life and Jesus was glad. He knew everything about her already. He offered her something she could not comprehend to begin with. This is paraphrased of course but he said, "I can give you water that will allow you to never thirst again." Well when she heard this she wanted to drink of this water. She went and told everyone in the town that this was the Messiah and that he had spoken to her. Others believed her and came to see Him as well.

Well I learned that as this woman had a past and things that hurt her heart I did as well. I needed to completely and utterly give it up to the Lord. I felt that I had in the past but recently it has been coming back into play. Well I can tell you I left that on the cross at Montreat. LuAnn had made a cross and we nailed our pain to the cross to leave it there. It was amazing how I felt after that.

Well another woman shared about her past. She had never confessed it to anyone and she shared it all with us. Her story was amazing and everyone in the place was crying. She had made a picture of her crying out "Daddy" to the Lord with a big red heart and said she struggles still with the fact that God loves her. We had free time after lunch that day and my room mate and I went to town to go shopping. We went in this little store and I was looking at some jewelry. One stuck out to me in particular and it was a Red Heart. I knew I was supposed to get that for this woman. I had not been thinking about earlier that morning while shopping but I knew I was supposed to give this necklace to her. When I did see her and had the chance to give it to her she teared up and told me that earlier, after she shared her story, someone spoke with her and told her she needed something to remind her of this weekend. Remind her of the freeing event that is was and something to help her to know it was truth when Satan tried to make her believe it was a lie. When I heard this I just thought, "Wow! He picked ME to help her remember. She picked ME even with my past to help someone else"

I will tell you what the weekend just got better after that! I shared with others what had been holding me back and actually was comforted by the outpouring of love and support. I can now say that I have a story that I can share with others. I am a Woman of God and he loves me as I am. No matter my past or my size. He loves me! His Princess. He loves me enough to place women in my life who are going to lift me up. I had not met my room mate before this weekend and it was amazing just how much we had in common. He put us with each other so that we can form a bond to not only help heal our hearts but help to heal other hearts as well. We are actively seeking a Bible Study for healing. We would like to find a book that talks about women's pain in general and healing and leaving on Lord for comfort. If anyone knows of a good book let me know! Of course if any women reading this would like to join let me know as well. No matter your struggle or pain we want to be there. Isn't that was friends are for?

I know this one was long but so much went on this weekend! I can't right it all down here but I know that I am a new creation in Christ and he loves me! That is one thing I will never forget! The Lord works in ways we know nothing about and for that I am grateful.

Drinking from the well

2008-04-07T13:27:00.000-04:00

I wasn't kidding about the Colorado pictures. This one is my favorite place on Earth. The whole thing. No, I haven't been everywhere, but this is it. It's Emerald Lake. If you came to the wedding, recognize it? It was my groom's cake. They made a cake out of this place. It was remarkable. I didn't want to eat it. I didn't want to mess it up. Good thing, 'cause I didn't get to eat it anyway.

Yes, Carolina got smacked. According to Tarheel Marcus Ginyard after the game, "I knew something was wrong when we would foul them and then we'd huddle up and nobody would say anything. It would take four or five seconds before anyone spoke. Everyone just looked at each other like, `What the heck is going on?' It was weird. We were just looking around like, `Whoa.'". Kansas came out and smacked them and they didn't know what to do. But I don't buy the "they should've been in closer games to prepare them". What? You're going to let off the gas just for the sake of being battle tested? Kansas just played better.

Lindsay had a fantastic weekend at her retreat. I'll let her tell more about it if she wants to, but I can tell you from watching her talk about it, listening to her talk about it, it was very filling for her heart. The theme of the retreat was "The Woman at the Well". Lindsay came back with a full bucket, and I was anxious to drink from it. While Lindsay's weekend was so filling, the last few days for me have been somewhat draining. She and I had an argument Thursday night, a lot of factors combined in that. And it was in some ways necessary and cleansing, though it wasn't any fun in the middle of it. Then the weekend, for reasons deeper than the outcome of the game, was somewhat hurtful and disappointing. I'm not going to go into detail on here, but it was sad for me in a way. So to see her come back on fire, just with a Jesus fueled sugar rush that's reminiscent of a two year old on pixie sticks, was so welcomed. Hopefully she gets a chance to come on here and talk about it. May her enthusiasm fill you up as well.

She may also be excited to know that there are no more sports to distract me from her until September. Can't stand baseball. So I'm all hers all summer. I take that back, the NFL draft is in 3 weeks. But after that, it's lots of outdoors time.

So this is the internet?

2008-04-03T14:47:00.000-04:00

So this post won't have much to do with Colorado. I just wanted to put a picture up. I have around 1,000 pictures from my four trips. Just count on there being a picture from one of them being on each post as long as it makes sense. Or even if it doesn't.

I'm not sure that I agree with Lindsay's suggestion that doing this was my idea, unless you like it. In which case, yes. It was all me.

So this is the way we work when we go to Blockbuster. For every movie I choose, she gets to choose one too. It's just fair since our movie tastes rarely sync up. Especially last night's choice. "Pirates of the Carribean". (Is it Carr-a-be-un or Carib-e-un?!?!) Oh my Lord. So 45 minutes in I was counting the tiles in our dining room floor I was so bored. I went to get something to drink just so I could get back up for a bathroom break. I couldn't figure out who was the good guy, who was the bad guy. Everyone kept changing sides and alliances. Two hours later...that's right...two hours later....it was still going. Honestly, I've torn off one of my fingernails, fractured my nose, had countless sprained ankles. None hurt this bad. But I figure if that's the worst thing I have to complain about, I'm doing pretty well. Which I am. And I think she is as well.

If you're going to be gracious enough to pray for us this weekend, first and foremost safe travel. We're each leaving town this weekend, in opposite directions. Lindsay is going on a women's retreat with Grace. I'm so excited for her. I've been on a couple of retreats, and each have been tremendous times with God. I'm so hoping she hears from Him this weekend. No matter what, I'm so excited about her time. I'll be headed down to Greenville to stay with one of my best friends who just got himself his own home! He closed Monday and hopes to be finished signing papers by the time we get down there Saturday afternoon. Yes, we'll be watching the Final Four together, which is pretty much a mandated thing if Carolina makes it. How do I feel about UNC's chances? Simple. At this point, I'm scared of everyone. I'm very scared of a motivated "We'll show Roy he messed up by leaving us". If they're still alive in this tournament, I'm scared of them. Should Kansas win Saturday, I'm not worried about Chad or Jamie giving me a hard time on the way home. I'm driving. Well, guess I should work now.

Disclaimer

2008-04-02T13:17:00.000-04:00

I just wanted anyone visiting this wonderful page to know that the "other" half of Marc started this. Marc was invloved but of course didnt choose the name or colors or anything. That is all for now. Thanks.

The Mrs.

We fell into the Trap!!!

2008-04-01T17:14:00.000-04:00

So after seeing some friends create blogs Marc and I have created one for ourselves. We have some crazy things that happen in our lives so why not tell all of our friends about them as well. Lindsay is currently rehearsing for a musical with West Side Civic Theatre in Lewisville. The show will be outdoors and it is a very cool atmosphere. Everyone should come! Anyways enough about me! We are nervously awaiting this weekend as we count down to the UNC game. Go Heels! Of course we got married in January so we are getting to know each other differently than before because now we spend so much more time together. I think Marc did laundry maybe once a month because he has SO many clothes and of course I do not have that many yet. I do laundry almost every weekend! I am pretty sure Marc enjoys not having to eat microwaved noodles every night because now he has someone cooking for him! So anyways this is just something I could put down really quick and I guess I will start to tell more of what happens as the days go on. I am sure Marc will be on here too "Bloggin' it up!" Thats funny. Something I never thought I would say!