Just to get this out of the way, that of course is a picture of Colorado. This post has nothing to do with Colorado. I just like pic's of Colorado, so I throw them in when ever I can. Regardless of how or if it relates to what I'm writing about.Ok, that said, I've really been struggling lately with roles. I'll tell this story as quickly as I can. The radio station I work for is getting a new morning show. A few days ago we had a staff meeting to unveil who it was going to be. It was a sales slide show presentation that was put together to show to clients but we were getting a look at it first to be "introduced" to the new guy. The slide show started by featuring each of the stations' websites, and then the air staff members. When my station came up, there was the new morning guy, Angie, Bill, next station. Skipped over me entirely. I've been here nine years. Granted, I'm not the dominating personality or as well known as those that did make the presentation, but I'm somewhere in between what being left off and being the focus.
Since then, about a week and a half, I've really been struggling with my role. My value, my worth. I know I'm valuable to my family, that's not what I'm talking about. And I'm not saying I'm taking that for granted, it's awesome that I am treasured by those who love me. But there's a degree to which we want those who have no part of our family tree to notice us, appreciate our efforts, value us. We want to be important. I don't want to be responsible for every little thing important, the guy who can't put his blackberry down long enough to eat a meal important. But valued for what I do. I'm never going to be the most popular or beloved in any circle, and I'm fine with that. I really, really am. I don't get my value as a man from being recognized on the street as a guy who is on the radio. I don't like it, much less get my worth from it. But I mean, really? I don't even make a staff presentation? I was told it was an oversight, but still. The damage has been done. It wasn't just that incident, though that was a seriously painful arrow. Feeling ignored by some friends, just a general feeling of being over looked, invisible.
Then comes my time in the word, which I honestly don't spend enough of, but I was in it this one day, and I come across this. Romans 12:4-6 from "The Message":
In this way we are like the various parts of a human body. Each part gets its meaning from the body as a whole, not the other way around. The body we're talking about is Christ's body of chosen people. Each of us finds our meaning and function as a part of his body. But as a chopped-off finger or cut-off toe we wouldn't amount to much, would we? So since we find ourselves fashioned into all these excellently formed and marvelously functioning parts in Christ's body, let's just go ahead and be what we were made to be, without enviously or pridefully comparing ourselves with each other, or trying to be something we aren't.
That last part, "let's just go ahead and be what we were made to be, without enviously or pridefully comparing ourselves with each other, or trying to be something we aren't." And I just wept. How convicting is that of a man who claims to not want too much attention, and then wonder why he's not getting what he thinks he should. My wife seems to think I'm pretty cool (though she calls me a dork all the time) the was I was "made to be". My parents are endlessly supportive, honestly (sorry mom & dad), but sometimes to a fault. How many times, especially over the days since that slide show episode, have I been envious and comparing myself to those who naturally attract people and are easily "beloved"? I think those who take the time to know me, generally like me. But how many people do I really let get that far? Is it because I've lost so many people through one avenue or another? I'm scared I'll loose someone else so I refuse to invest anything past the surface to begin with? I claim to refuse the glare of the spotlight and then become envious of those who have it shown on.
To my credit, the very last part, "trying to be something we aren't". I think that I do well. I won't sacrifice my heart in order to get that notoriety, attention, acclaim, whatever you want to call it. I just complain instead.
And this isn't a desperate search for comments on this blog, comments when I see you, emails or phone calls, "Just read your blog and I want you to know you're valuable to me because x, y, z." I've just been convicted by something I read in Romans (so far my favorite book in the entire work).
After that sinks in, I feel led to read 1 John. And find this:
2:15-17: Don't love the world's ways. Don't love the world's goods. Love of the world squeezes out love for the Father. Practically everything that goes on in the world—wanting your own way, wanting everything for yourself, wanting to appear important—has nothing to do with the Father. It just isolates you from him. The world and all its wanting, wanting, wanting is on the way out—but whoever does what God wants is set for eternity.
Wanting to appear important has nothing to do with the Father. It just isolates you from him. You take that pointed verse, and combine it with a line I read in Donald Miller's "Searching For God Knows What", and you realize something. The line I read says this:
Even Jesus says His glory comes from the Father, which I take to mean that even Christ...was valuable because God loved Him
I'm not valuable because people notice me. I'm not valuable because I make a slide show presentation. I'm not valuable because the people I work with do or don't appreciate my effort. I'm not valuable because of what my wife, my family, my friends think of me. I am valuable because God loves me. Me. And He does. Oh how He does. There's nothing I can do, no level of good deed or stupid mistake that will earn His love or take it away. I have His love because He is so loving, not because I did some good things. I can't tell you how relaxing that is. How calming. To realize that even if I'm not seen by those I walk by every day in an office, even if my friends sometimes look right by me, He says I'm valuable. He says I'm glorious. No one can take that away. And I didn't have to earn it. I couldn't have. Praise Him. Even though this is revelation I'm sure I'll forget entirely too easily.
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