I can't help but wonder, how many times have I just missed it? How many times have I missed Lindsay's heart? How many times have I been so caught up in myself and what I want to do, what's important to me in the moment that I just blow it? Not that she would complain. That's what makes it so self frustrating. She's not hard to make happy. She's not highly demanding. We've had talks of moving to Colorado (pictured left...like you didn't know that), and she is just so supportive and ready to pack the bags. Yet I can just about promise you, day after day, I miss an opportunity. It's not blatant. It's not even on purpose. The day can drain me some days. The mental, spiritual and physical fatigue, I often use as a subconscious scapegoat. "Just let me get to the weekend, and we can spend some real time together away from the tv. Just let us get refreshed and then I'll experience her." But then the weekend gets here and often times, I find another excuse.
I tell her often that she's pretty. I don't do it out of obligation, I do it because I look her and think, "there's the feminine image of God, right here in front of me." I tell her I love her all the time. Sometimes I'll tell her that, she'll answer back, and we'll go back to being silent. Or going back to talking about whatever we were talking about. There's a line from a movie, "I got so busy trying to do my job, that I forgot to do my job." I wonder how often I don't do my job as a husband well enough. I can never do it to the level she deserves, only Jesus could love her as much as she deserves. Do I lead her spiritually enough? I can honestly tell you we don't pray together as much as we should. We'll both tell you that if we speak with any semblance of honesty. And I'm not even going to use the "well it's hard to love someone everyday" cop out, because that's exactly what it is. She loves me well. Everyday. So it's not that it's hard so it's ok to not, she doesn't ever fall back on that. And it's not that I'm horrible to her. I really do think I'm pretty good. But as good as I can possibly be, I'm still going to miss it sometimes. As intentional as I can be, there are still going to be moments that I don't get it right. I try really hard. I don't always try hard enough though. And it scares me because she is so loving, so understanding, so patient, and so unselfish that she may not point out those times to me, causing me to miss them all over again.
In the first few weeks we were married I drove myself crazy trying to think of new and creative ways to show her how special she was to me. I didn't want to ever take her for granted, I didn't want to get lazy so I'd beat my head against the wall trying to be so clever, that I'd miss time with her or moments where she just wanted me. And I really think that's been one of the more difficult lessons to learn. I should say to believe. That I really am enough for her. I don't have to be clever or grandiose all the time. Once in a while, sure, she likes being swept away as much as the next girl. But she doesn't need it. Not every day. She just wants the intimacy. She just wants the relationship.
And then it dawns on me, that's a lot like my walk with God. I don't have to come to church dressed up in a suit and tie to have a relationship with Him. I don't have to sing along with every song in order for Him to want to know me. Lindsay doesn't need a bubble bath every night to love me. After a while it would be about the obligation and the routine rather than the heart of it. Same thing with God. If I'm just going to church because that's what you do on Sunday mornings, then I'll miss Him. But if I go to really worship Him, really try to connect with Him, really try to learn about Him through the message, that's what He's after. He's a lot like Lindsay that way. Lindsay's a lot like Him that way. They both just want me. As my good friend Steve Lynam says, "Taking me as I am without leaving me where I am." It's hard to believe sometimes that Lindsay really will love me just because. Sound familiar?
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