I'll have humble pie, please

So I'm "man-ing" up. My boys got smacked. I knew it wasn't going to go well the night before when I got a text from a friend of mine who had some connections (staying at the same hotel as the team, had field passes, went in the locker room after the game) that Champ Bailey wasn't going to play. At that moment, I knew it wasn't going to happen. But we went anyway. We got there a couple of hours early, watched the warm ups from as close to the field as we could get without actually being on it. Took lots of pictures (that I'll post soon, forgot the camera this morning). The game starts, and it's chilly but not really cold. Not compared to the Christmas Night game of 2004 when it was 26 degrees at kickoff. Started out nicely, marched right down the field and put it in for seven. Then Carolina gets the ball and without even really exerting themselves, answers. A Champ-less defense finally ran out of steam. About halfway through the second quarter, I started to realize that we weren't going to win. No one, and I've seen every single snap this year, no one has put pressure on Cutler the way the Panthers did. Combine that with the fact our starting running back was selling cell phones a month ago, and I finally resolved myself to the fact that it was going to be a long, long day. For some reason at the end of the half, we have the ball at our own 18. 30 some seconds left and we call timeout. You figure in that situation, you're going to take a shot down field right? No, we ran a toss right with a guy in his first game in eight weeks, he fumbles and they get a cheap field goal right before halftime. It was the only time I yelled. Until...
The game is almost officially over (it had been over since that fumble). Denver has the ball is for the first time in two quarters, progressing down the field. Tatum Bell (the cell phone salesman, "T-Mobile") got a run and broke it for a first down. Lindsay, God love her, still into it, stood up and cheered. That's it. Stood up, clapped, and said "wooohooo, go!!". No taunting, no "take that, Carolina sucks", none of that. She sits down, and I hear, "scoreboard" from behind us. At that point, I snapped. "Scoreboard!?! Really dude? She's cheering for her team, she didn't say anything to you." By the time that was out, I realized it was a young teen boy, I'm guessing 13-14 years old that had spoken up. This kid now was realizing, "Oh, he's not going to just sit there." No, I wasn't. The kid now with a stunned, half smirk on his face said "I was just trying to watch the game". I said something along the lines of "your team is winning ok, but that doesn't make you a badass, you're not going to talk to her anymore." At this point his dad chimes in, "Cool your jets" he says to me. "Talk to your son, if he's man enough to talk, make sure he talks to me." We go back and forth a few minutes, finally calming down. Then a few rows behind all that, a younger boy (maybe 8-9) cheers for the Broncos. Lindsay, now with the fire fully stoked turns and says, "You going to tell him to sit down too?" Round two. He says something to her and I reminded him that if he was going to talk, to direct his wit to me and not to her. His dad says, "I'm getting stadium security" "Go get 'em" I tell him, not caring if we got kicked out, there was :35 left and we're down 20. Moral of the story I explained to the security guy what happened he nodded and said, "well the game's over now" the kid with his dad left.
And that was it. Two days later, I probably took 30-10 out on this kid. But I stand by what I was saying, even if the way I said it could've been better. That kid doesn't know that I'm not the same guy I was 2-3 years ago, a guy that in those circumstances would've made that scene much, much worse for everyone involved. "What were you going to do!?" Lindsay asked. Nothing, I didn't want to hit the kid, the dad, or anyone, but I did want him to learn (because he apparently hadn't yet) that having a ticket to a ball game (concert, whatever) doesn't give you authority to talk to people, especially women, that way. If Lindsay had stood up and said, "Yeah, we rule! Carolina can kiss it!" Then maybe, she would've brought it on herself. But by her standing up briefly, cheering innocently, and sitting back down, the classy thing to do would have been to maybe snicker, roll your eyes, and just enjoy the win. If I had stood up and cheered, and he had said it, fine. I don't care. But what I wanted the young man to know is that you don't get to talk to my wife like that. You don't know her, you don't have permission to speak to her that way. You stick your head in the lion's mouth, you get bitten. He, and myself too, are lucky this didn't happen a few years ago. I don't know if I handled it perfectly, but I know I protected my wife outwardly. God's grace and wisdom that I've allowed to sink in over the last couple of years kept that scene from being any worse. Now if only He would've been so gracious to let Champ heal a little more quickly, I could've been the one celebrating...

"Sunday....Sunday....Sunday!!!!"

Since this is the last day I'll be around a computer before Sunday, I thought I'd go ahead and blog about this weekend. This Sunday, the first time that my boys will have ever played a regular season game in North Carolina (they played two preseason games). The pictures from above are from the games I've been to in Colorado (vs Kansas City in September '06, vs New England October '05, and a stadium tour before the Kansas City game). I've been to two other games that I couldn't find pictures from on this cojmputer (vs San Diego November 2003 and at Tennessee Christmas night of 2004). But this Sunday, the Denver Broncos will be playing the Panthers in Charlotte. It's not only my team, but it's a huge game. Denver wins, they clinch a division championship. I've seen them play in person four times, I've seen them beat a defending world champion, I've seen them break records, I've seen a home opner, but I've never seen them clinch a division championship. I can't begin to tell you how excited I am. It will be Lindsay's first ever NFL game. It will be my parents' fourth Bronco game. I've been to five Bronco games, four games not involving Denver. This is by far, the one I'm most excited about. I'm not worried about rooting for the visiting team, I don't think Panther fans are generally hostile to outsiders. Even if Denver wins, I have no intention of gloating, so I don't forsee starting up any scene, which I think for the most part is the only time fans in that stadium would become hostile. They won't come back to Charlotte for at least another four years, so this is Haley's Comet kind of rare. The tickets weren't too expensive, at least not compared to what I'm used to. I've been known to drop $340/ticket...twice. I'm so excited for this game, and for everyone riding home with me on Sunday night, it'll be a much more pleasant ride if we (that's right I said "we") can win. I know Carolina looked good Monday night, but that was Monday night. Rarely are NFL teams that fired up two weeks in a row.

I have no idea

I know what you're thinking, "Hey wait, that's not Colorado." You're good.

About to fall asleep last night, I'm flipping around the channels because "The Daily Show" wasn't having one of its best nights. I come across "The Pursuit of Happyness". It's a Will Smith movie from a couple of years ago where he plays this (eventually) single dad living in San Francisco, struggling to make it. And by make I don't mean, make the NFL. Make it in Hollywood. I'm talking about "I'm not sure if we're going to be able to eat tomorrow" make it. I don't want to tell the whole movie, but there's a point, maybe it's the low point (at least one of them) where Will's character, (Chris) and his son in the movie (who by the way is his son in real life as well) have to spend the night in a subway bathroom. Sleeping on the floor of a underground railroad bathroom because they've been kicked out of multiple hotels and apartments because Chris can't pay the rent. Chris' son somehow falls asleep, and as someone comes to the bathroom door, tries to get in but can't because Chris locked the door from the inside, Chris begins to cry. I guess in the moment he was afraid more that someone was going to tell him he and his son couldn't sleep there. That yet again, they'd have to find somewhere else to go. I imagine that was the fear more than someone was going to harm either of them.

And then it dawns on me as I start to tear up with Chris, I have no clue what that is. I know Will Smith hasn't always been as "fortunate" as he has EARNED himself to be now, but I don't know that he really truly, deep down has any clue what that is. I can promise you I don't. I have no idea what it's like to hope that someone doesn't tell me that I can't sleep on the floor of a public bathroom because I don't know where else me and my four year old (I'm guessing on the age but it doesn't really matter) son can sleep. My idea of struggling now is having both the Broncos and the Tarheels lose on the same weekend. To say I have it good, well, it's kind of insulting. And this isn't one of those, "count your blessings this Thanksgiving" blogs. Those kind of annoy me...no offense if you have or are planning to write one. But it just hit me when I saw that scene, man, I don't have any idea what it's like to be scared like that. To be hopeless like that. That's purely a credit to my parents. And don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I'm going to have a yard sale tomorrow, give away all my worldly possessions so I can really appreciate what it is to relate to those who have lived the story of the man in the movie, some without a happy ending. I like my Direct TV and I don't have to apologize for it. But I think while I don't think God is really asking me to strip down all of my possessions to a bed, some clothes and a couple of loaves of bread, He is asking me to realize that it can all be taken away. For not necessarily doing anything wrong.

Recently there's been a lot in the news about the "Big Three" automakers going to the government asking for I think a $25 billion bailout. The CEO of Ford Motor Corporation, when a congressman asked if he (the CEO) would consider reducing his million dollar salary to help his own company, his employees out instead of part of a $25 billion taxpayer bailout. Paraphrasing, "No, no I think I'm ok where I'm at." This guy has never seen "The Pursuit of Happyness". If he has, he was too busy counting hundred dollar bills to pay any attention. I'm not offended by what he said on my behalf, I'm ok. I'm offended by what he said on behalf of the Chris Hudson's of the world.

But what's more than the offense that I took from that, is the inspiration I get. Not from Will Smith in a movie, although it is a good movie. I get the inspiration from friends that I have that have been in similar situations. One in particular. Lost their income. A very young child to take care of. And he'll tell you he was worried at times. Not "subway bathroom floor" worried, but worried. While he wasn't worry free, his faith was remarkable. He just knew God was going to provide. And now He is. If this blog is wondering and direction-less, you know what it's like to have been in my head since I flipped the channel on this movie last night.

I turned it off before the fear of being in a similar position kept me up all night. I'd seen it before, so I know what happens. But I can't help but watch that and think, "Do I have enough strength to fight through the way the guy in the movie did? Do I have the strength that my friend that I mentioned does? Other friends I didn't mentioned who've had similar stories. Those that I don't know that have had similar stories?" I don't know. I like to think I do, but I don't know. All I know is I have no idea what it looks like to be in the middle of that storm. And I am, yes, incredibly thankful that I don't. Dang it, and I told myself this wasn't going to be one of those types of blogs. Anyway, I guess this was just a really long way of thanking my parents, for not ever letting me sleep on the floor of a subway bathroom. I never came close.

*Sigh....*

It's been a while.....

Did you miss me? I guess we have been so busy we have not had time to do anything. Marc has been doing a number of things with work. BBQ Festival, meeting Adam Gregory, Matinsville Race, The Fair!, and I am sure things I am missing. Below is Lindsay and Adam Gregory.




Needless to say October is the month where we go go go! I am also in the musical "The Sound of Music" at the moment so that is taking away from the free time. Well I am having a good time with it! I do know that. We had free time on Tuesday to share with friends. We went to Chris and Molly's and it was a great time. The food was great and the fellowship even better. I love getting together and sharing with friends. It is a time that feeds my soul! Especially since there was a little one running around part of the night. And even though she wasnt feeling to well she still let me shake my booty with her to some Veggie Tales!



So Marc made me dinner last night! The first time! It was very good. Chicken alfredo. Except I am not big on mixing the chicken in so I ate mine with some different sauce. He did a great job and even cleaned up all the dishes as well! You cannot tell me you wouldnt want husband like mine! Of course you cant have mine because well, he is MINE! hehe! I guess that is all for now. My friend Jen is getting married this weekend so I am sure I will have something to tell you come Monday!

I can't think of a title

Just to get this out of the way, that of course is a picture of Colorado. This post has nothing to do with Colorado. I just like pic's of Colorado, so I throw them in when ever I can. Regardless of how or if it relates to what I'm writing about.
Ok, that said, I've really been struggling lately with roles. I'll tell this story as quickly as I can. The radio station I work for is getting a new morning show. A few days ago we had a staff meeting to unveil who it was going to be. It was a sales slide show presentation that was put together to show to clients but we were getting a look at it first to be "introduced" to the new guy. The slide show started by featuring each of the stations' websites, and then the air staff members. When my station came up, there was the new morning guy, Angie, Bill, next station. Skipped over me entirely. I've been here nine years. Granted, I'm not the dominating personality or as well known as those that did make the presentation, but I'm somewhere in between what being left off and being the focus.
Since then, about a week and a half, I've really been struggling with my role. My value, my worth. I know I'm valuable to my family, that's not what I'm talking about. And I'm not saying I'm taking that for granted, it's awesome that I am treasured by those who love me. But there's a degree to which we want those who have no part of our family tree to notice us, appreciate our efforts, value us. We want to be important. I don't want to be responsible for every little thing important, the guy who can't put his blackberry down long enough to eat a meal important. But valued for what I do. I'm never going to be the most popular or beloved in any circle, and I'm fine with that. I really, really am. I don't get my value as a man from being recognized on the street as a guy who is on the radio. I don't like it, much less get my worth from it. But I mean, really? I don't even make a staff presentation? I was told it was an oversight, but still. The damage has been done. It wasn't just that incident, though that was a seriously painful arrow. Feeling ignored by some friends, just a general feeling of being over looked, invisible.
Then comes my time in the word, which I honestly don't spend enough of, but I was in it this one day, and I come across this. Romans 12:4-6 from "The Message":

In this way we are like the various parts of a human body. Each part gets its meaning from the body as a whole, not the other way around. The body we're talking about is Christ's body of chosen people. Each of us finds our meaning and function as a part of his body. But as a chopped-off finger or cut-off toe we wouldn't amount to much, would we? So since we find ourselves fashioned into all these excellently formed and marvelously functioning parts in Christ's body, let's just go ahead and be what we were made to be, without enviously or pridefully comparing ourselves with each other, or trying to be something we aren't.

That last part, "let's just go ahead and be what we were made to be, without enviously or pridefully comparing ourselves with each other, or trying to be something we aren't." And I just wept. How convicting is that of a man who claims to not want too much attention, and then wonder why he's not getting what he thinks he should. My wife seems to think I'm pretty cool (though she calls me a dork all the time) the was I was "made to be". My parents are endlessly supportive, honestly (sorry mom & dad), but sometimes to a fault. How many times, especially over the days since that slide show episode, have I been envious and comparing myself to those who naturally attract people and are easily "beloved"? I think those who take the time to know me, generally like me. But how many people do I really let get that far? Is it because I've lost so many people through one avenue or another? I'm scared I'll loose someone else so I refuse to invest anything past the surface to begin with? I claim to refuse the glare of the spotlight and then become envious of those who have it shown on.

To my credit, the very last part, "trying to be something we aren't". I think that I do well. I won't sacrifice my heart in order to get that notoriety, attention, acclaim, whatever you want to call it. I just complain instead.

And this isn't a desperate search for comments on this blog, comments when I see you, emails or phone calls, "Just read your blog and I want you to know you're valuable to me because x, y, z." I've just been convicted by something I read in Romans (so far my favorite book in the entire work).

After that sinks in, I feel led to read 1 John. And find this:

2:15-17: Don't love the world's ways. Don't love the world's goods. Love of the world squeezes out love for the Father. Practically everything that goes on in the world—wanting your own way, wanting everything for yourself, wanting to appear important—has nothing to do with the Father. It just isolates you from him. The world and all its wanting, wanting, wanting is on the way out—but whoever does what God wants is set for eternity.

Wanting to appear important has nothing to do with the Father. It just isolates you from him. You take that pointed verse, and combine it with a line I read in Donald Miller's "Searching For God Knows What", and you realize something. The line I read says this:

Even Jesus says His glory comes from the Father, which I take to mean that even Christ...was valuable because God loved Him

I'm not valuable because people notice me. I'm not valuable because I make a slide show presentation. I'm not valuable because the people I work with do or don't appreciate my effort. I'm not valuable because of what my wife, my family, my friends think of me. I am valuable because God loves me. Me. And He does. Oh how He does. There's nothing I can do, no level of good deed or stupid mistake that will earn His love or take it away. I have His love because He is so loving, not because I did some good things. I can't tell you how relaxing that is. How calming. To realize that even if I'm not seen by those I walk by every day in an office, even if my friends sometimes look right by me, He says I'm valuable. He says I'm glorious. No one can take that away. And I didn't have to earn it. I couldn't have. Praise Him. Even though this is revelation I'm sure I'll forget entirely too easily.

By the way this is our Baby!

Sheba in her coat to stay warm....as if she didnt have enough hair!

This is her at Daddy's Work

1/ 2 priced wine?

So I went to dinner with a friend last night. Now we know each other from doing musicals she is the talest on in this picture with the polka dots! Anyways.

It was so good to get together with a friend and just chat. She is an amazing woman and she has recently found a great guy. We talked about this A LOT! Of course my ears were open because it is great to see someone so HAPPY!

We had dinner at Village Tavern and of course some 1/2 priced wine because you cannot beat that! We talked about her GUY, the FUTURE and all sorts of wonderful things.

After that we went to Starbucks and then sat down to talk even more about things we never had before. I am glad I now have a new FRIEND to hang out with. I am starting to get the hang of having many friends to be able to call on. It is kind of nice to not feel so lonely.

(Friend lonely that is not Marc lonely! I love him!)

I got that feeling....

Sunday I sang at church with the worship team. We did amazing music and the people playing in the band were awesome. The music surrounded all of me and I could feel God with all of us. He was there that morning and it was very clear to me. We were singing the song Might to Save and got to the chorus for what was supposed to be the last time.

Savior, He can move the mountains,
My God is Might to Save
He is Mighty to Save
Forever, Author of Salvation
He rose and CONQUERED THE GRAVE
He conquered the grave.

All the music cut out and we were just singing those words over and over again and everyone in that sanctuary was lifting up their voices. It was amazing. I could feel God just covering over not only me but everyone in Grace that day. I cried. I could no longer sing those words because His presence was so thick. I have never felt anything like that before. He moved around me and through me that day.

There are things I struggle with everyday. Things from the past, things in my head that are lies, I struggle every day. For that moment in time I was reminded that He did conquer the grave and He is Might to Save. It doesn't matter where I have come from He is there to pick my up and renew my Spirit.

I am thankful for that.

There's this guy.....

There is this guy that I love more than anyone. He knows how to make laugh. He brings me smiles all throughout the day no matter how bad my day may get. He is there for me. To comfort me. Love me. Hold me. He is there.

He is my rock. I cannot imagine my life without him. I love when he yells at the Tv during a Broncos game or claps and yells so hard poor Sheba runs to mommy. Of course mommy reassures her that "Daddy is talking to people who can't hear him not her" He is a good man. A loving man who will always look out for my heart and well being. He will defend me if I need him to and comfort me as well.

He is my husband! The best man I could ever imagine. He is MY husband! No one else gets to experience the joy that I have with him although he does bring joy to others. But no one gets to know the joy I have with him. It is special. Between us and I love it.

Work sucks

What it SHOULD be

Yesterday was the "Out of the Darkness" walk. Since Abbie took her own life a little more than seven years ago, it's been a real process of healing. I feel like for the most part, I'm good and healed now. Really. It's not that I miss her less or I'm not bothered by what she did and, quite frankly, what was done to her. It's just that I'm able to walk with less of a limp because of it now. Time. Christ. The stream of healing. I say that because instead of blaming myself and everything else, I've decided to turn the corner and do whatever I can to help the cause of suicide prevention. As I told a reporter yesterday (yeah I work in radio but it's still cool to be interviewed!), it's the most dangerous cause that no one wants to talk about. There's a stigma, "well, they chose". There's all kinds of misunderstanding and bluntly a lack of compassion with suicide when compared to things like cancer and heart disease. Cancer and heart disease deserve compassion, the efforts to end them deserve attention and support. But so does this. We raised a lot of money, more than we had in the previous two years of its existence. That was great. That was fantastic. That will be tremendously helpful. But it wasn't the best part. The best part was the turnout. People just kept showing up. It was beautiful. It was powerful to see the shirts with victims names, faces, and dates. To know that there were all these different stories, but this common, unspoken understanding.
But you want to know what my favorite part was? There was this guy, I'm not going to give his name because I don't how public he wants his story to be. He knows who he is. But he came to the walk. It's personal for him, and his family. Another member of his family chose the same ending that Abbie did. He and the rest of his family had apparently never discussed it. Ever. It had been several years, this wasn't last month. But they never talked what their family member did, how it affected them, what they must've been going through. So this person hears about the walk, and calls two of his family members (sorry about being vague, it's for his confidence) to join him at the walk. They do. They register, they walk. The "central" area was underneath this picnic shelter. After the walk is over they go to the back of this shelter, find a table all to themselves, kind of cast away from the other people. They wanted to be alone. From the other end of the shelter, I see this book. I'm assuming some sort of scrapbook. Pictures, newspaper clippings, that kind of stuff. And I'm told that they were talking about what happened. For the very first time. I watched a couple of them wipe tears from their faces. There was no real sobbing, but you could tell, a wound was being lanced. I watched the guy take off his glasses, I can only imagine so he could reach his tears that he just recently learned he could still cry (that in itself, thrills my heart more than I can tell you). I went to say goodbye to them when I had to leave, and I felt bad for interrupting such a beautiful fellowship. I just hugged him, introduced Lindsay to the other family members, and left. There was nothing that really needed to be said. Small talk seemed insulting.
That will be my image of this (so far) most successful walk. A family, who had avoided acknowledging this devastating wound, now diving in head first. Using this occasion to heal, to allow healing to be done.
We raised over $14,000. Fantastic. That money will help a lot. And I hope that everyone was helped in some way. But I know for sure, I saw it, three siblings coming together for the first time ever to love each other. Love each other closer to wholeness. I am so freaking proud of this guy. So proud. And I bet that the "board" of the walk would agree without hesitation, you can have every nickel of that $14,000 back, if we could have had every person at that walk, share in a moment like these three people did. Community, healing, helping, and love. It was more of a living example of the true intention of Christianity than any conference or church service I'd ever been to.

The light above the lake

I've said several times that this is my favorite place on earth. It is, if you're tuning in late, Emerald Lake in the middle of Rocky Mountain National Park, Colorado. The top is a picture of me taken at the shores of the lake, looking up at Hallet Peak. The second is just a better look at the lake, as it's tough to get all of it in one shot. Even though I've said several times it's my favorite place on earth, and day dreamed about it, marveled at it when I've been lucky enough to be there, talked endlessly about it, had my Groom's cake modeled after it at our wedding, I never really understood why it was my favorite. Never, until that is, Lindsay and I went a short while back.
We get up to the lake Sunday afternoon. Maybe morning, I don't know. This was the one place I had been looking forward to since the last time I sat there with my brothers the summer before. Aside from its majestic and over powering - yet tranquil - beauty, what was it that captured me the way nothing else (short of my wife) ever has? I mean, devil's advocate, it's a lake. Sure it's pretty, but what's the big deal? Fair question. And I didn't know the answer, until this day.
We're sitting there, thankfully quietly, and Lindsay catches me. "Are you crying?" After a "uh oh I've been caught" giggle, I muster up a, "Yup." "Why?" "I really don't know." And we turn back to look at the mountain that surrounds the lake. I was really trying to figure out the answer to her question, I wasn't just avoiding it to return to silence, I wanted to know why I had teared up, and why this place meant so much more to me than any other on the planet. And I swear it's going to sound like I'm making this up for dramatic affect, but I hear God speak to me, "This is your 'Shack'". YES! EXACTLY! That's it!
For those of you who haven't read it, it's a story about a man (Mackenzie) who's daughter is kidnapped, taken to an abandoned shack in the middle of absolute nowhere and killed. Years later, the father is invited back to that shack by God. After wrestling with the thought, he goes. Without spoiling the book, what follows is a weekend in spent with the Trinity, putting his (the father of the kidnapped girl) heart back together. Mackenzie is healed of his wounds the only possible way you can ever truly be healed. Head on. Go directly into that wound and heal it from the inside out. Don't just put a band aid on and hope it goes away, you have to get your "hands dirty". Again, at the risk of spoiling the book, Mackenzie is sent back home after a weekend at the shack a man with his whole heart back. He's healed. He's excited, he's happy, he's finally able to remember his pain without reliving it, spiraling him out of control. He is refreshed, metaphorically dipped into the waters of forgiveness and hope, and he has emerged stronger and full of more love to share than he ever thought he could. Mackenzie's shack, is my Emerald Lake.
The first time I sat at that lake I had been meeting with Steve Lynam for almost eight months. Christ had been making real progress at putting my heart back together after the wounds of growing up in a broken world, after loosing deeply beloved grandparents, best friends, mentors, bosses (both), heroes, coworkers all to timely and "untimely" deaths. I had just met Lindsay a week earlier. The light was just starting to creep back into my heart. For months, years, it was dark. But now, there were little cracks starting to form. Those cracks were becoming bigger, and more light was seeping in by the time I made it Emerald Lake in September 2006. I sat at this lake, surrounded by a beauty that can ONLY be the work of God. I felt so safe, so protected. "If God could make this...and He also created me?? His hand is responsible for me and this!?!" Yes!! One of the lessons of "The Shack" is He just asfond of me and just asproud of His creation of me as He is of places like Emerald Lake. Probably more so. "I'm awfully fond of him". It's my favorite line from the entire "Shack".
That was the first time that beam of light broke through to me. (2 years before I would read that book) That was the first time I believed it. Ask anyone that was around, after I came back home from that first time at the lake, I was refreshed. Renewed. Relaxed and happy. For the first time in a long, long, long time, completely happy. It is absolutely no coincidence that shortly there after Lindsay and I take off. And everything else that has gone on. And sitting back at this lake two years later, the light was shown to me (pun very intended) why this is my favorite place on earth. It's where the healing was completed. And I was sent back into my "normal" life with a new, whole, healthy heart. Who wouldn't want to revisit a place like that? Whatever it looks like to you.

Daydreaming........

Cool Rock

Yep! Stay here all day!

I miss seeing these little guys so close

2-0 means never having to say "You're sorry"

First of all, yes, you're right. We got away with it. But I don't care. I don't care because we earned our way down the field, all day long. Should it have been their ball? Yes, but don't blame the Broncos, blame the ref. And what should Cutler have done? Said, "You know, I feel bad for San Diego, that's really a tough break. Here Mr. Turner, your team can have the ball." There were sixty minutes of brilliant offense and matador defense. It's not like without that call we only score 10 points. And as I told my dad, "With any other team, I'd feel a little bit worse." But after the Christmas Eve game last year against them, when they talked as much as they did anything else, this date was circled immediately. So bottom line, yes, San Deigo got ripped off. But I honestly don't care. They had two more plays to stop us. Yes, the ref blew the call. We capitalized. Show me the column in the standings for "Games should've won but got lucky on". Only "W's" or "L's".

Second, from Peter King's Monday Morning column: Mike Shanahan, "You don't make that kind of call unless you've got 100 percent confidence in your quarterback, which I do,'' he said. "In a case like that, you're prepared for what comes, and I knew I'd get killed if it didn't work. It goes with the territory. I knew it was the right call.''

"You'd say that even if it failed?' I asked.

"Oh yeah,'' Shanahan said.

There's a man who's not afraid to lose his job. I wouldn't have had the guts to do that, but then again he's a much better football coach than I am. I just hope there aren't 14 more of those. I don't have the arteries to support that.

How do you people deal with this humidity!?!?

She's right. We're back. Tons of pictures that I'm trying to get ready to share, video, none of which are better than the videos we have from our minds. It was a great trip, we can't wait to go back, and take you with us. We'll talk more about it soon, I just really wanted to get this picture up. By the way....

It's Time to go back, Right?

Did I mention that I would like to go back to this very spot? Yes I would. It would be much better than having to be on this computer and dealing with WORK! Blah! Anyways we are back and had a wonderful time. It was amazing to see all the wildlife and things that God has put here for us to enjoy. Being able to hear the bull elks bugeling and the cows mewwing was just amazing. We even saw a baby calf suckle up to it's mother! I was amazed. God was showing us everything about His Glory and reminding us that he created this beautiful place for all of His children. I thank Him for the opportunity to be a part of all of this beauty.

Years away from the storm

So yesterday the pastor at my church is teaching from the book of Ruth. I'll confess, I had never read a single verse from it. Didn't even know it was in there. But he starts into his sermon and he keeps mentioning being in the darkness. Being lost in the darkness, finding your way in the darkness. "Why do bad things happen to good people?" And I thought (apparently I thought out loud), "Oh great." When I thought that, Lindsay turns and looks at me which is what makes me think I thought it out loud. Really? He's going to do this sermon on this day? Are you freakin' kidding me? And so he preaches on. "Do you ever ask yourself, 'Why me?'" Making sure I kept it to myself, I think, "He really is." Bill told a story about a friend of his who made mistakes and said "Why would God do this to me?" And there it was, an echo. An echo in a different voice from the one I heard that question from so many times before. I could never, ever answer that question.
It was one of the biggest frustrations I'd had for six years. It was probably the second. First was, I should've stayed in touch with her. That was first on the list. Second was, I didn't work hard enough to answer that question. I didn't work hard enough to show God to her. I'd think, look up something in my study bible index, and just shake my head, "I don't know Abbie. I don't know why." And for six years, it was my fault. It was my fault that I didn't stay around her. It was my fault for not walking from Elon to Israel to find out the answer to her question. That's what I should've done. That's what a good friend would have done. That's what a real Christian would've done. I failed her. I failed Him.
Six years I heard that. Six years I agreed. Actually, it was 366 (this is a Leap Year) days ago that I broke that agreement. Funny, exact same day on the calendar. One year earlier I was with my band of brothers in my favorite place in the world at a John Eldridge boot camp. August 17th. I knew we'd be out there on that day. I was glad I was going to be surrounded by them. Side note, the year before, 8/17 fell on a Thursday. I had an appointment with Steve Lynam, and I meet with my brothers on Thursday. So I was well protected from the usual unspeakable storm that visits me annually on August 17th. This year I was with them out there. And then came the afternoon, "session". And John Eldridge himself starts talking about the wound. "Oh great. You can't be serious. Today?" Yes, today. John, Bill, Jesus, all three of them decided, "Yes, we're going into this...today." I knew exactly where the talk would go. Straight into the clip from "Good Will Hunting". Where Robin Williams' character finally breaks down the stubborn character of Matt Damon. Over and over, "It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault." I knew it was coming, I couldn't even pick up my head long enough to watch the clip. I didn't want to. It just came flowing out. Tears, anger, sorrow, guilt, shame, threatening sadness. All left on the carpet of this makeshift theatre in Frasor, Colorado.
Since that day, August 17th, 2007, it hasn't hurt as bad. Don't think I'm saying I don't miss her. Don't think I'm saying I don't hurt. But I decided to stop agreeing with that lie, and agree with Jesus. And in this case, Robin Williams. To you, you're saying, "Well, of course it wasn't." Six years my friend. Six years you were wrong. Because I knew better.
So when Bill starts in on this "Why do bad things happen to good people" sermon, I was so pissed off. "You're (God) going to have me sit here on the very day that she took her own life, the very damn day and have me listen to the sermon that I needed to hear seven years earlier? The one that might've saved her life?" The sermon ends and I'm hot. Not mad at Bill. He has no idea. Not mad at Abbie, the demons she was fighting were too strong for her, and she didn't believe in the One that could help her fight. Not even mad at God. I mean, she's the one who turned her back and refused His outreached hand. (a new revelation in my heart by the way) I was pissed at the fact that the enemy got a hold of her. I don't blame Bill for choosing to talk about that on August 17th. I don't blame Abbie for not waiting to hear that wonderful message. And I don't even blame God. And as I kept waiting for it to come, as it did every year on this day, it never did. I was totally prepared for the storm to come, like it did every single August 17th for six years. Instead, all I felt was the picture below. Beautiful isn't it? Peaceful, calm, I can't help but give a restful sigh when I look at it. It's Crooked Creek (where the boot camp was). It's the same pond I sat at exactly one year ago to the day. The next morning, I sat at that pond, and for the first morning in six years, I didn't carry the weight of Abbie's death. I didn't blame Bill, God, Abbie, or myself. That kind of peace is even better than this picture. There's a little place - you can't see it in this picture because it's next to where I was sitting when I took it - but the burden of Abbie's death is buried here. So when I was bracing yesterday for the storm, all I saw in my heart and my mind was this place. As far away as you can get from any furious storm. Glory to God for this place. Both this place on earth, and in my heart, in which He reigns.

PS:

Friday August 1st is "Colorado Day"!!! Let me be the first to wish you a very happy, Colorado Day. Enjoy responsibly....

I can see it from here!

So we're off on vacation this weekend. A long weekend/short trip to Oak Island. When we get back I have to really zone in for a few days, and then all attention shifts....here:










....Ok I'll stop.

"I was in the pool" -- George Castanza

This is a youtube clip of my favorite place on earth. It was taken in the last few weeks, and there's still snow!!! Feel free to skip ahead to the 3 minute mark, that's where the pay off really is. You never really get a good look at the mountain. In fairness, it's a big mountain and tough to fit into the shot...



You never know, we may have a clip of me doing that in 42 days!!

45....

Deuteronomy 31:6 says, "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."

I don't really have any wisdom to add to that. But I shared it with some people today and it seemed to help some of them. Hopefully it does the same for you.

In theaters September 26th

"A real man's gotta be a hero to his wife, before he can be to anybody else. Or he ain't a real man"

"Fireproof doesn't mean the fire will never come, but when the fire does come, you'll be able to withstand it."

59...58...57...56....

Never before have I been soooo happy to see a huge deduction in our checking account. I got to work and checked it online (kind of a daily thing, just to keep an eye on it) and there it was. "Withdrawal, $921.76." (or whatever it was) I was so pumped. It was the second half of our reservation for the cabin Lindsay and I are staying in when we go to the promised land in 59 days from my typing this. It's paid for. The first half the woman took when we first booked it, the second half to come out when we were 60 days out. Which is where we are!! We're that close!!! I'm like a school girl now. When the countdown gets to single digits, I will be dang near useless. Now way in the world I'll be any kind of productive.

So then I decide to find the cabin on google earth. By looking around, I realized we're 1 1/2 mile away from the Rocky Mountain National Park's entrance. 1 1/2 mile in the other direction, the start of the "Peak to Peak" Scenic by way, which is a road which stretches from Estes Park south around 30 miles toward Pikes Peak. It's supposed to be one of the most scenic roads in the state (which is saying something). I haven't been on that road yet, so Lindsay and I will discover that together. Quite frankly, my imagination tells me it's the only thing I'll ever see to rival her for "Most beautiful sight ever".

I'm just so incredibly, annoyingly excited for this trip. And now that the cabin, flight, rental car, everything's paid for, the only thing left to do is count down and try to focus on my job. After I blog about not being focused that is. 9....58....57....

Talking it out

Have I mentioned in this whole blog how amazing my husband is? Well he is. It is funny how sometimes you do not want to talk about things. They will just go away if you don't, right? I am glad to have a husband who will push me. Push me to talk to him about those things I have tucked away. He is right. It hurts when you talk about them but it feels better the next day. I am thankful God spoke to him to poke at me a little and get me to talking. This is just my way of really letting him know how thankful I am for him. He may not be a chef but he has so many other special things about him that make me love him so much. Thank you baby!

The Beautiful Lady Has Sung.

Weeks and weeks, night after night, she worked so hard. Just to tell you how long it's been, I went with her for "callbacks". It's the round after the first audition where they start figuring who gets what part. It wasn't warm enough yet for flip flops. And I love wearing flip flops. For weeks she spent multiple nights a week rehearsing. Spent lots of money traveling back and forth. Never giving up when some things didn't go her way. She missed it too much. She loved doing it too much. Even though she came home sometimes exhausted, frustrated, angry, sore, six nights over the last two weekends made it all worth it. Made it worth it for both of us. Her, because obviously this was why she spent the time, money, energy, effort. To be under the lights, friends she loves and those she hasn't met watching her perform. Me, because I got to watch her for the first time. I'd heard her sing before. She'd sing along with Carrie Underwood when we to see her in concert. She'd even sing along in the car (I gotta take that B-52's cd and hide it somewhere). She even sang at church sometimes. Those were cool. But this was different. Watching it be her turn, this was cool. Now, the program will tell you she wasn't the "lead" performer, but that's subjective. I know several people who thought she was. Which leads me to...

Thank you so much to everyone who came to the finale night. Gas is expensive, no one else we know lives near Lewisville, a record breaking heat wave all told everyone to stay home, stay indoors. But there were so many people who didn't listen. They wanted to see her. And it meant so much to me. It meant even more to her. She was tired, she was a little ready for it to end. (She napped for like 7 1/2 hours earlier in the day) But knowing how many people made the effort, spent the gas, took the time to come see her, gave her a little boost. Way better for your heart than a RedBull boost, this was Lindsay knowing she was loved. What was so amazing, the majority of those who came, were friends of mine. I was blown away at how many people showed up for her. I was sitting behind them all (seeing the show 4 times before that night, I didn't mind surrendering the best view to someone else), I got a little teared up when I looked around at how many people came so far, were sweating so profusely to support my wife. Once she catches up on her rest enough (probably just in time to do another musical), I hope it sinks in to her how much she is loved, by those who quite honestly don't have to. The last couple of weeks she's been watching the scales so closely. Working really hard at lowering the number that pops up. I've been working really hard at convincing her that whatever number does pop up, it has absolutely no impact on how beautiful she is, how much I love her. My hope is that she sees that even though she didn't have the "lead role", there are a lot of people, many who aren't in our "tree", that will travel great distances and sit in syrup-thick humidity to see her come alive. No matter how high up her name appears on the program or how low the number on the scale is, she is deeply loved, exactly the way she is.

The father of a righteous man has great joy; he who has a wise son delights in him.

For anyone who reads this on a regular, or any really, basis, this will seem very strange. Not only is it not going to be about me/us, it will have no hint at all of Colorado. My friends Jamie and Jennifer Webster have done something similar to what we have in this blog. Only the topic of theirs is nearly two year old Caden, their son. It's really cool, since Caden hasn't quite mastered blogging yet (though I'm sure it won't be long), it's a snapshot into the world of Caden Webster. There are a ton of pictures as you can see if you click on the link, but as I was looking at it the other day, there was one that jumped out at me and hasn't left my mind for very long since.

What fantastic moment that was captured. I don't know what they were talking about. I can't even tell you for sure if they were talking at all. But there is such a look of absolute adoration, on each side. Jamie is so focused on his son, and whatever the moment is about, Caden is engrossed in his father. There is such beautiful scenery around, and none of it's noticed. The only thing that matters in that moment is each other. So many kids, way too many kids don't have any moments like this. And Caden may never fully comprehend how much his father adores him. But this is such an authentic, honest, powerful statement. I have a ton of great friends, probably more than my share. There are handful who when they have/will become fathers, I don't worry at all. I pray for them, but not in a concerned, "Lord please help this kid, I know too much about his dad." Caden is not one of those children. The moment Jamie told me they were pregnant with him, I thought, "that will be a well loved, encouraged, and strong boy/man." And then you have these moments, luckily captured with a camera, to prove that. The son looks up to his father, and the father looks upon with pride, love, and unfiltered joy. This is such an example of Christ-like love, I guess that's why I can't get this picture out of my mind.

Jamie is one of those people that no matter where he goes, no matter who he's around, he fits in without compromising his true self. Everyone loves him. Everyone should. I've often said, "if you spend 10 minutes with Jamie Webster and walk away not liking him, it's your fault". No one knows that more than Caden. And no one cherishes Caden more than Jamie. I've just never seen a better picture of fathering well. And I'm not in the least bit surprised by it.

"If I die, don't you dare play 'Go Rest High' and dedicate it to me!!"

Friday, May 16th is a day a lot of people around here remember, for the wrong reason. On that day in 2002, my friend, your friend, our friend, Paul Franklin was taken from us. See, that's the gut reaction description. His work was finished here. He did a lot of good work. He influenced many a man, boy, woman, girl. And on 5/16/2002, he was called away. For some reason we've chosen to mark the anniversary of the accident that took his, and two other wonderful souls-Tom and Isolda Temples in the same accident. I don't really understand why the day that they left us is more noticed than the day he was born, or the day he first became a father, the day he won one of three CMA awards. I can promise you from the inside, those were much more joyful days. We will, along with many others tomorrow, cry a little bit, but hopefully laugh a whole lot more. The number one thing I hear from listeners when they come to see us at events and appearances, "It just hasn't been the same since...". They're absolutely right. Rather than letting that reflect an emptiness in our lives, I'd rather it reflect the presence that we had once. The reason we feel a void now is because Paul was that special, that rare and a 6 foot, five inch gift. We are not less for not having him with us today, we're more for ever having the chance to cross paths with him. Would it be better if he were still with us? Maybe. But who am I to ask someone to leave the side of Jesus now that he's truly home.
CS Lewis wrote a journal after his wife (who he refers to as "H") passed away from cancer. In "A Grief Observed", he writes:

Praise is the mode of love which always has some element of joy in it. Praise in due order; of Him as the giver, of her as the gift. Don't we in praise somehow enjoy what we praise, however far we are from it? I must do more of this. I have lost the fruition I once had with H. And I am far, far away in the valley of my unlikeness, from the fruition which, if His mercies are infinite, I may some time have of God.. But by praising I can still, in some degree, enjoy her, and already, in some degree, enjoy Him. Better than nothing.

If you'd like to see pictures and hear old audio clips of Paul, please visit here.

Babies here, babies there, babies everywhere!

There's a saying around the station (and probably other places) that says bad things (deaths) come in three's. Well, I have good news, sometimes babies do too! While I'm going to have a tough time working Colorado into this post, (no wait, that picture of Kory and me was taken in Denver...whew!!), I'm so thrilled to share the news that my friend of over 25 years, my brother in Christ, one of my favorite people in the world, is about to have his first child. His wife Blair (who also is one of my favorite people in the world) is due in December. As of last night, everyone is doing just fine. She's already having crazy cravings. I'm just so thrilled for them both, it'll be their first.



It'll be the second child for my boy Tom White. I can pretty much copy all of the things I said about Kory, and apply them to Tom. With the exception of how long I've known him. They both will be just phenomenal fathers. Tom has a little more experience than Kory does, but I'm not worried at all about any of these kids. They will be surrounded by love, strength, wisdom, and compassion. They are in the best of hands.

Also I found out this week that my friend Jill in Cary is expecting as well. See, good things come in three's as well!!

"So what is it you guys do?"

...is the question I often get when I talk about my "small group", "band of brothers", whatever you want to call it. The group of men I get together with every Thursday night. And sometimes times away from Thursday night. We get together, we eat. We catch up. And as the meal is setlling, this is our purpose. One of my brothers, Matt, found this. And it's a perfect description of what we're trying to do:

A band of brothers is a group of men who were tired of life as usual. Men who were tired of feeling weak and ashamed and addicted to whatever brings a temporary escape from the pain, emptiness...or boredom. Men who wanted to come through for their wives, their children, their friends and their God, but whose lives were marked by frustration, depression, insecurity, and failure.

A band of brothers is a group of men who were tired of pretending. And so they stopped. They found a few other men with whom they could be completely transparent, guys with whom they could unload about all their shame and failures, all their fears, and all their weaknesses...men who, when they were done spilling their guts, would still be standing there saying, "What else you got?"

A band of brothers is a group of men who have traded their weakness for Christ's strength and their self-obsession for Christ's selflessness. Men who daily fight for one another, trading the enemy's lies with God's truth. They've joined arms with one another and joined ranks with eternity's Freedom Fighter, Jesus Christ. In Him they fight for the freedom of their wives, children and friends. It has become their life's passion, mission and purpose. Unified in Christ, these bands of brothers move with humility and courage towards total surrender, total trust and total commitment to the One who gives LIFE and who has overcome death.

A band of brothers is a group of men who've tasted the abundant life Christ came to bring. They've begun to realize their place in God's story. And now they want more...for themselves, for their families and friends, all for the glory of God.

The term 'band of brothers' was coined by Shakespeare in Henry V

"We few, we happy few, we band of brothers.
For he to-day that sheds his blood with me
Shall be my brother; be he ne'er so vile,
This day shall gentle his condition.
And gentlemen in England, now a-bed,
Shall think themselves accursed they were not here;
And hold their manhoods cheap, whiles any speaks
That fought with us upon Saint Crispin's day."


It really is the coolest thing. Look for it, there are more who want more.

Joys in My Life

Yesterday was such a nice day! The weather was perfect and I had my first "happy" rehearsal with the musical. I actually got to hang out with just the girls and dance and had a great time! Above is a picture of me and Marc in Jamaica under the Bottlebrush tree. Now before we left my brother told me, "Every time you go under the bottlebrush tree you have to kiss." Marc loved the idea and so did I of course when we got there our butler looked at us like we had lost out mind the first time we went under it and stopped to kiss. She said that wasnt a true saying. Oh well we continued it throughout the honeymoon. So joys in my life. I love being able to spend time with people who have kids! They are just so much fun. I love hanging out with friends for dinner or games or even just an afternoon of hiking. I love the stage. I love feeding off of the audience and hearing them clap or laugh or even cry at something you are portraying on stage! I love waterfalls and being able to hear the sound they make. Sometimes a loud thunderous noise and sometime just an wonderful tiny trickle. They are all amazing to me. I love my husband. I love the way that he will expose himself to me and trust me with his heart. So anyways I just wanted to write about a few things that make me happy because yesterday was a very good day!

"I am well pleased"

No, I didn't tell her to write that. And no, she didn't get that picture from me. But I'm sure pumped that my wife, my best friend, one of the best things (short of salvation) that's ever happened to me, is just as stoked about a trip to my most cherished place in the world as I am. I don't know what excites me more. That I get to go. That I get to go with her. That I get to go with her and it makes her heart come alive. But as excited as I am. As annoyingly excited as I am (I always have to point out a Colorado license plate when we're going down the road, I really can be obnoxious about it), there is one thing that I love looking at more than Rocky Mountain National Park - Emerald Lake included.

I love watching my wife love things. The last two nights I've been treated to a real treat. Most nights watching American Idol I want to go sit in the oven for a while to distract me from the pain of the show (but I have to watch it, so I make the best). But this week they had Andrew Lloyd Weber on. Broadway songs. I, like probably most people watching didn't know a single word of a single song. My wife did. She even guessed right on most of who was going to do what. She....LOVES Broadway. She loves being a part of musicals. She loves being on stage and performing. Hiking is to me as the theatre is to her. And to get to watch her watch that, was just great. Then the next night we saw the musical "Rent". It was in town and she mentioned wanting to see it. Luckily I was paying attention in that moment and got us tickets. I didn't get most of the play. I mean I think I got it, but there were parts I was lost. And I was really trying. But every now and then I'd glance beside me and see Lindsay's face. That...that daze she was in. That pure joy and fire that ignites when she either watches musicals (much less performs in them), that is simply the most special thing I've ever witnessed. And I've seen some pretty cool stuff. So ask me my favorite sights of all time up to this point. #2, without a doubt, Emerald Lake. #3, Lone Pine Lake. You get the point. But as good as those are, they're laps behind watching my beautiful wife enjoy something. Watching her come alive...makes Broadway cool.

Oh...I almost forgot....

One Place I would Rather Be.......

I know Marc is going to love this one. I am so ready to go out to Colorado it is eating at me! I am ready to get away from all of the things that weigh us down here in NC. Being able to just get out in the middle of no where and experience things the way God intended them. His beauty. His amazing eye for detail. His knowledge of my love for waterfalls and making them more amazing than one can imagine in Colorado. I am just ready to get to experience silence. I cannot remember the last time I was able to just sit and enjoy God's creation and love for us by providing us an amazing playground. As some of you know I went to Western Carolina University. I loved being in the mountains because I could just get away and enjoy the beauty God created. It was amazing. I have been reading lately where there is a lot of development going on up there. There is some big company wanting to make 3 golf courses and build 200 plus homes on 4,000 acres of land. I cannot imagine trying to get away and experience the peace of what God created while looking out over a mountain top and seeing huge houses and not land God created. People are so greedy with wanting to have a bigger house and more this and more that but they do not even take a look at what is being used now. If people would take a moment to look at the houses that sit vacant or the golf courses that no one is really playing on they would see why there would be no reason to build a new one. I guess I just dont understand how someone can build something brand new beside something that is already there and not being used. Take strip malls for example: There are so many places where businesses have gone out of business and left a big parking lot and huge open building. Why is it that these companies cannot put less money into changing the standing structure into what they want it to look like. I mean it will only be a few years before that business goes down in flames as well. I just dont see the need to build new houses when we have hit a 16 year low on new home sales. I am thankful for National Park Land that does not get touched but why would someone want to go to a National Park to look out across the untouched land when they will soon be looking at someones huge million dollar house or golf course. I just think it is not needed. Sorry to ramble but I am just tired of people abusing the land we were put here to protect and live off of.

The best loves are sometimes the hardest to accept

I can't help but wonder, how many times have I just missed it? How many times have I missed Lindsay's heart? How many times have I been so caught up in myself and what I want to do, what's important to me in the moment that I just blow it? Not that she would complain. That's what makes it so self frustrating. She's not hard to make happy. She's not highly demanding. We've had talks of moving to Colorado (pictured left...like you didn't know that), and she is just so supportive and ready to pack the bags. Yet I can just about promise you, day after day, I miss an opportunity. It's not blatant. It's not even on purpose. The day can drain me some days. The mental, spiritual and physical fatigue, I often use as a subconscious scapegoat. "Just let me get to the weekend, and we can spend some real time together away from the tv. Just let us get refreshed and then I'll experience her." But then the weekend gets here and often times, I find another excuse.

I tell her often that she's pretty. I don't do it out of obligation, I do it because I look her and think, "there's the feminine image of God, right here in front of me." I tell her I love her all the time. Sometimes I'll tell her that, she'll answer back, and we'll go back to being silent. Or going back to talking about whatever we were talking about. There's a line from a movie, "I got so busy trying to do my job, that I forgot to do my job." I wonder how often I don't do my job as a husband well enough. I can never do it to the level she deserves, only Jesus could love her as much as she deserves. Do I lead her spiritually enough? I can honestly tell you we don't pray together as much as we should. We'll both tell you that if we speak with any semblance of honesty. And I'm not even going to use the "well it's hard to love someone everyday" cop out, because that's exactly what it is. She loves me well. Everyday. So it's not that it's hard so it's ok to not, she doesn't ever fall back on that. And it's not that I'm horrible to her. I really do think I'm pretty good. But as good as I can possibly be, I'm still going to miss it sometimes. As intentional as I can be, there are still going to be moments that I don't get it right. I try really hard. I don't always try hard enough though. And it scares me because she is so loving, so understanding, so patient, and so unselfish that she may not point out those times to me, causing me to miss them all over again.

In the first few weeks we were married I drove myself crazy trying to think of new and creative ways to show her how special she was to me. I didn't want to ever take her for granted, I didn't want to get lazy so I'd beat my head against the wall trying to be so clever, that I'd miss time with her or moments where she just wanted me. And I really think that's been one of the more difficult lessons to learn. I should say to believe. That I really am enough for her. I don't have to be clever or grandiose all the time. Once in a while, sure, she likes being swept away as much as the next girl. But she doesn't need it. Not every day. She just wants the intimacy. She just wants the relationship.

And then it dawns on me, that's a lot like my walk with God. I don't have to come to church dressed up in a suit and tie to have a relationship with Him. I don't have to sing along with every song in order for Him to want to know me. Lindsay doesn't need a bubble bath every night to love me. After a while it would be about the obligation and the routine rather than the heart of it. Same thing with God. If I'm just going to church because that's what you do on Sunday mornings, then I'll miss Him. But if I go to really worship Him, really try to connect with Him, really try to learn about Him through the message, that's what He's after. He's a lot like Lindsay that way. Lindsay's a lot like Him that way. They both just want me. As my good friend Steve Lynam says, "Taking me as I am without leaving me where I am." It's hard to believe sometimes that Lindsay really will love me just because. Sound familiar?